Halloween Party 2007!

Saturday marked the 16th annual Halloween bash at my humble abode, a creeped-out house full of ghoulishly haunted paintings, freshly severed heads and delicious food. By the time 8 o'clock rolled around the jack-o-lanterns were lit, the wind was blowing, and the gravestones were creaking. Because they were styrofoam. A few minutes later I brought them all inside, because the wind had knocked the wind out of them. Ha.

Typically, guests don't begin arriving until about 9 p.m. But this year they were so excited they started arriving early. And I can't blame them. The lure of our mysterious special guest was overpowering. And the stuff, oh the stuff!

It didn't take long for things to get dirty. Sumo Ryan was getting some action almost immediately. Not even a pure evil and vile entity like Demon Chris, with his eyes of horror, could resist Ryan's large Asian man-breasts.

This year was a bit surprising as many guests, including myself as Doc Brown, seemed to join forces and create an 80's theme. My sister's old Brownie dress became a shirt and Rainbow Bright lit up the room with her amazing homemade costume and non-homemade Sprite. She also lit up everyone's appetite for drinking with her super awesome number 1 Polar Bears.

It may have been in bad taste for pregnant Catholic schoolgirl Tracy to pose with her pimp/lover/cousin Big Brett from the big city, but she did it anyway, much to everyone's chagrin. Luckily Mel Gibson, goin' commando, was there to offer his assistance in performing an actual, real C-section with his actual, real sword that could actually really hurt if he actually, really stabbed someone with it - but luckily he didn't.

Creeping past 10 p.m., who should arrive and get the party going but the one and only Kid Rock. Things really got out of hand when he inspired sexy shenanigans in all the happy drunks. But the shenanigans continued and soon even Charlie Brown could not resist Sumo Ryan's sexiness, and had to get in on that sweet topless action. Some of the guests said they were vomitting from the alcohol but we all know it was Charlie Brown's lack of restraint causing the spewage.

It was a tiring night for all, as there was much running up and down the stairs visiting the psychic up in the den. Fortunes were told and the occasional life ruined. But for those rare few who may have or may not have recieved some unwanted information, drinks were free all night long and bartenders were happy to hand 'em out to anyone with an empty plastic cup.

Even Darth Vader finally had to take a break from all that manipulation. What a trooper though (not a Storm Trooper), hanging in until every mind had been toyed with.

By the time 4:30 a.m. rolled around, the last few guests cabbed it home while 6 others jumped into various beds and futons, completely zonked from the partying. Afterwards, comments were super awesome. Such as when my neighbour told me, with the biggest smile ever, that it was the best party she and her husband had ever been to. It couldn't have been a nicer compliment! I hope we can live up to it next year.

Check out last year's radicalness here.

88 Miles Per Hour!

Look closely at this picture, and you'll notice that I not only dressed up as Doc Brown for Halloween, but I dressed up my DeLorean as well. Those two black things on the back of the car are the 3rd most awesome feature about the Time Machine from Back To The Future - the cooling towers.

Of course the coolest and second coolest features are Mr. Fusion and the Flux Capacitor, respectively.

I know it's not the most original idea, Doc's radiation suit, but I knew I could make it entertaining for the night of our party. I lost the shots of me actually making the costume, but here's the breakdown: Doc's suit consisted of painter's coveralls purchased at Home Depot for about 8 bucks. I had to spray the wig white for an additional $2.99 Then I painted the neon orange strips with fabric paint from Michael's for about $1.59. I cut the hood off and sewed the collar. The pattern on the back required me to make a stencil, then dab it with black paint until it looked like this. Pardon the wrinkles.

I decided that I really had to go all out with my Back To The Future-themed costume this year, and transform the car as well. Yes, the car would look rather cool by itself. And yes, stepping out of it dressed as Doc Brown would be pretty radical also. But what would make it even better? Cooling towers.

First I needed to see if I could make the cooling towers. I grabbed some cardboard I had lying around since June 2006 and got to work. After almost 2 hours of trial and error cutting and fitting, I had them.

Yep, the cooling towers on the DeLorean looked nifty for sure. But I still needed that wow factor. So I asked myself - what would make the cooling towers even better? Answer - If they worked.

I asked my friends and family for their used toilet paper rolls and began constructing a smoke-delivery-device. Using the greatest invention of all time, Duct Tape, I fashioned a bendy tubing system that would lead from my fog machine up into the cooling towers.

But I was worried that the smoke would just blow any which way, so I had to think up a way to direct it out of the cooling towers. The answer was easy. Nozzles.

I grabbed some more duct tape and more cardboard tubes and slapped together a pair of nozzles. I tapered the ends so the smoke would be pushed out with some amount of force. Otherwise, it would just float slowly and carefree. The real Doc Brown would disapprove.

Assembling everything on the car was easier than I thought it would be. I had enough room to practically climb inside the cooling towers. The nozzles were securely fastened to the tubing with more sturdy duct tape. Click here to see an interior shot of the first attached nozzle.

Once the second nozzle was in place, I connected the tubing to my fog machine and gave it a test run. I've never made anything like this before, and did not know what to expect. *Here* is what the fog machine setup looked like.

The night of our party I was very nervous. The fog machine worked, but the smallest amount of wind blew it all over the place - and it was a very windy night! On top of that, it started to rain. I knew the cardboard wouldn't hold up well, and crossed my fingers that the rain stopped. Back here in 2007, we're still 8 years away from 2015's Weather Service.

But luck was on my side as the rain stopped and I was able to entertain friends as they came to the door. The Time Machine was a hit! Here, Braveheart and... Cleopatra? check out the car. Successfully completing this costume brings back such good memories of last year's Duffman.

Update: I've been entered into Rob Cockerham's costume contest at Cockeyed.com! The exact link is here!

Stainless Autumn

This is the best time of year. The sun hangs lower in the sky sending its failing rays to the trees, which absorb as much as they can. It's not enough, and their leaves change to brilliant yellows, oranges and reds making the Halloween season all the more exciting.

The other day I had an ideal opportunity for a 'photo shoot' and drove my DeLorean to the end of my street where there is vast conservation land. I drove across the grass and parked in front of the absolutely towering trees and started taking pictures. Like this one.

I've had a number of photos published in DeLorean World Magazine, such as this one, and I was hoping to submit these to the Editor, Sascha, for a future issue. I'm not a professional by any stretch, but I'm happy that some of my photos are good enough to be published.

While parked, joggers and cyclists stopped to take in the scene... or perhaps catch their breath. Breathing is important, and if you stop, you can die. So that's probably it. Yeah.

When I got home I started working on my car. I won't say much because I don't want to spoil the surprise. This afternoon I finished the transformation and the next time I post pictures of it, it will look a little different. Perhaps a little "cooler", if you know what I mean. Actually, that's a really lame clue. Sorry.

Halloween Candy Oscars 2007 - Part 4

Not long ago I received an email asking why I left chocolate off my list of Halloween Candy Oscars. Yes, chocolate is delicious and is an important part of October 31st, but I was unable to find Halloween shaped chocolates, so, thanks to jackass chocolate bar companies we are left with one type of candy to hand an award to – Gummy stuff. So, if you’ve stuck with me through the last week or so, congratulations. Today we reach the final Halloween Candy Oscar for 2007.

I was terribly excited to see the Gummy Body Parts coffin again this year and was totally willing to pay the $11 for it. In fact, I was so excited about it I may or may not have left a little puddle on the floor.

This year there have been some big changes for Frankford’s Gummy Body Parts. The packaging, the type and number of gummies, and the taste. Firstly, let’s have a look at the most obvious change – the box.

The coffin is still a coffin which can still be used as a candy dish or kitten burial device. However, the monster hands have been enlarged by over 300%. As well, this year the labels were printed directly onto the coffin instead of stickers stuck onto the shrink wrap around it. So, no matter what you serve from it in future years, your guests will always be confused and enraged when they discover they’re not eating Gummy Body Parts.

If you’ll notice last year’s coffin, take note of the 5 different shapes (bottom right corner). This year Frankford has gone against the trend to cheap-out, skimp, and try to save a buck or two by doing something amazing - adding another shape! And it’s totally rad to boot! Along with the popped out eyes, Dracula fangs, severed fingers, ears and noses, there is an awesome cut-off foot, bleeding like hell.

But there is a price to pay for the extra gummy. They’ve shrunk. But don’t start crying. There is a benefit to this. Instead of 75 bloody body parts, you now get 100!

This is good stuff, and you’d think we found a winner. But let’s consider a newcomer to the gummy game, Unknown Company. Wal-mart is selling Gummy Bones Candy from an unknown company which doesn’t put its name on the packaging. Seems strange... almost illegal.

Checking out the back of the bag I discovered the gummy bones were made in Brazil, and imported by Wal-mart. I chowed down of a few and to my surprise they were delicious. In fact, they were even yummier than the body parts, because somewhere down the line Frankford changed the flavour of their body parts as well. How do I know? Direct comparison – I had a few left-over from last Halloween and ate them back to back.

With all these changes going on with Frankford’s Gummy Body Parts I had a real tough time picking a winner. Here’s the breakdown:

• 2 Martini-thumbs up for the addition of a new bloody foot.


• 1 gnarled witch-thumb down for the coffin re-design.


• 1 Zombie-thumb up for the increase from 75 to 100 gummies.


• 1 Skeleton-thumb down for the new, smaller size.


• 1 Werewolf-knuckle down for the flavour change.

Don’t get me wrong – they’re still excellent in both theme and taste. But counting up the votes, they come out with an overall score of zero thumbs up.

And what of the Halloween Gummy Bones Candy? Two Martini-thumbs up for their awesome, boney taste followed by two Martini-thumbs up for their classic femur shapes. And I just can’t resist giving them two Martini-thumbs up for the goofy, smiling skeleton on the package wearing a freaking polka-dot bowtie. Oh, what the hell – two Martini-thumbs up for Brazil getting in on the Halloween candy action. Concluding HCO 2007, the Halloween Candy Oscar for Best Gummy Candy 2007 goes to Halloween Gummy Bones Candy!

Check out 2007’s Halloween Candy Oscars Part 1
Check out 2007’s Halloween Candy Oscars Part 2
Check out 2007’s Halloween Candy Oscars Part 3

Halloween Candy Oscars 2007 - Part 3

Bubble gum’s fortunes have been failing since I was a small child always looking for that next hit of sugar, and fearing the horrible crash that followed the high. I was a sugar junkie and Halloween was my dealer. Now that I’ve grown up, I like being ‘the dealer’ and getting kids all high and crazy on that specialest of special days, a day I like to call Ween.

This year I’ve continued on with my mostly non-famous Halloween Candy Oscars, citing the best Halloween candy for 2007.

For Best Gum 2007, the “Bubble Brew” with their black and orange Pumpkin Faces gumballs was a contender along with, well, basically Oak Leaf’s “Spooky Eyes” as the pickins was totally slim-ass this year. Halloween-themed gum is not easy to find. Especially since Concord Confections dumped their “Halloween Combo”, which was 2005’s Halloween Candy Oscar winner.

I like gum a lot, and think it makes for excellent variety when you’re dumping your Halloween loot out on your bed. When I was a kid I had a bunch of different names for gum including Gubble Bum and Bubble Bum. Anything with bum in the name is comedic genius when you’re 8.

And 30.
Actually, I don’t think asses ever lose their humour.

So, as you can see I’ve totally gone off-topic but deep down inside I know it doesn’t matter because there’s not much to say about the winner of the Halloween Candy Oscar for Best Gum 2007.

Oak Leaf’s Spooky Eyes taste like a standard gumball, full of standard, delicious gumballness. But what makes them stand out is the fact that they look like a freshly popped-out eyeball, with juicy red veins and a tiny white skull for a pupil. How awesome is a pupil skull?

I’ll tell you – it’s awesomer than Pumpkin Faces. Two Martini-thumbs up for Spooky Eyes gum; one for the veins, and one for the skull-pupil.

Check out 2007’s Halloween Candy Oscars Part 1
Check out 2007’s Halloween Candy Oscars Part 2

Halloween Candy Oscars 2007 - Part 2

Halloween is as much about the costumes as it is about the candy – but only if the candy is October 31st-appropriate as discussed in years past. Part 2 of the Halloween Candy Oscars will see an award given for best hard Halloween candy.

Boneheads, thanks to evil candy geniuses everywhere, are still gracing store shelves, much to my happiness. I hate having to bury discontinued candy in the Halloween candy graveyard. Especially when it’s completely awesome. It’s like God taking a talented, intelligent, beautiful child to Heaven before their time. So unfair.

Of course, a Voodoo Priestess can revive the dead through an unholy, unnatural ceremony, but what comes back is never the same. So horrible.

Remember Monster Candy? Inside small boxes were slabs, SLABS of Popeye-cigarette type white candy. The boxes had famous movie-monsters such as Frankenstein printed on them, and inside, each slab had the same monster, avec film-frame border, printed on them. When I was a teenager they disappeared. Then the Voodoo Preistess stepped in and granted Monster Candy a one-year revival. The boxes remained while the candy inside was changed from printed slabs to 2 tiny cheap Popeye cigarettes, which made me bawl my eyes out. So evil.

Luckily the powers that be have allowed Oak Leaf’s Boneheads to stick around. Boneheads are slightly larger than the newish, larger size Tic Tacs. They are covered in a super-awesome glossy coating which protects the deliciousness inside and boosts shelf-life by a half a century. Green ones are particularly rare.

The skulls are fruit-flavoured, and, for the most part, they taste pretty radical. The best part is their appropriateness towards Halloween. Chowing down on a cherry skull is friggin’ awesome.

But there’s another candy really giving Boneheads a run for their money for two reasons. I came across the very last box of Graveyard Goodies in a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania and instantly knew I had to have them. Whatever the candy tasted like, the packaging was PURE EFFING GOLD!

Inside the main box there are four different boxes of candy, each one more awesome than the last. First, there’s a skull, with bulging, veiny eyes. Next, there’s a grey RIP tombstone, with curved top and all. Third comes a picture frame with a Werewolf slashing in your general direction. And finally, the piece de resistance, a bloody freakin’ Coffin!

Open this 6-sided bad-boy and out pours two pumpkin-, two femur-, and two skull-shaped candies. These are the same size as the Boneheads, but pop these suckers in your mouth and rejoice at the Popeye cigarette-type candy underneath that glossy coating!

And let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to suck femurs on Halloween? The Halloween Candy Oscar for Best Hard Candy 2007 goes to Tech Time’s Graveyard Goodies.

Two Martini-thumbs up for their amazing packaging. This is the stuff that Halloween dreams are made of.

Halloween Candy Oscars 2007 - Part 1

It is time. Yes, time for that all-important annual Halloween type post with my picks for best Halloween candy. Let the Halloween Candy Oscars begin – with an awesome new format designed to be 37% more awesome than previous years.

This year, for the first time, I’ve encountered 10x more Halloween-themed candy than ever before. Like a whiney 9 year old who doesn't want to finish his crappy dinosaur painting even though the art teacher kept the studio open late so he could, I bitched about companies producing fun-sized chocolate bars and such, attempting to pass their excrement off as “Halloween” candy. This year is far different and as a result I’ve had to break down the Halloween Candy Oscars into categories:

• Best Gummi Candy


• Best Lollipop


• Best Hard Candy


• Best Gum

Earlier this week I reminisced about Dead Heads, the most awesome, and most discontinued lollipop ever. So I will begin the HCO with “Best Lollipop 2007”

Nearly 2 decades ago the Jolly Rancher craze swept through my town, and now Jolly Rancher has jumped the Halloween bandwagon with the next best thing to Dead Heads.

These lollies not only taste awesome, but also have great names to go along with their totally sweet shapes. These Creepy Shaped Lollipops come in four frightening flavours: Eerie Apple, Spooky Blue Raspberry, Wacky Watermelon and Goulish Grape.

Shape options include a sinister pumpkin, seen above, an evil skull, a nasty ghost or Dracula. Yes, Vlad the Impaler has gotten a taste of his own medicine and had his own head rammed onto a stick.

I had to give my old favourite a try, so I scoured through the bag until I found 1 of the ONLY 2 watermelon lollies. I suppose the rarity makes them more special. Regardless, it tasted exactly as I remembered and each lick was as exciting as the one that preceeded it.

There’s absolutely nothing to complain about with these creepy lollipops, and the only lolly that stood a chance against them would’ve been a Dead Head. But with them permanently out of the picture, the Halloween Candy Oscar for Best Lollipop 2007 clearly goes to Jolly Ranchers Creepy Shaped Lollipops.

Two Martini-thumbs up for their shapes, names and flavours.

Dead Heads Are Dead

It’s October, and my favourite time of year is clawing at the front door. As you may or may not know, I am a freak for Halloween. Reading Patti-Cake’s post about Lewis Barrett Lehrman got me even more excited and I remembered it was almost time for my most prestigious Halloween Candy Oscars event.

Let’s face it. Candy is one of the most important parts of Halloween, and ‘ween is the only time of year when taking candy from strangers is acceptable.

Whilst candy-shopping I was very upset that, for the 2nd year in a row, I was unable to find Charms Dead Heads. Remember Dead Heads, the skull-shaped sucker? The one that turned your tongue blood-red? The one that made you strangle your little sister for her last one?

Yes, you’d do just about anything, however unsavoury, for a Dead Head.

If you were lucky enough to have experienced THE best lollipop in all the land, you’ll be upset to learn the upsetting news I have discovered from Tootsie Roll Industries, Charms’ parent-company.

From: martini
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 1:31 PM
To: info@tootsie.com
Subject: Request for info from tootsie.com

Bonjour, For years I have been unable to find Dead Heads in stores, which is extremely upsetting, considering they are one of the absolute best Halloween candies around, and THE best lollipop ever made. Could you tell me where they're distributed, and when they might be on store shelves?
Thanks so much,
Martini

A few short hours later came the blunt reply.

From: Andrews, Susan [mailto:sandrews@tootsie-roll.com]
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 5:12 PM
To: Mr. Martini
Subject: RE: Request for info from tootsie.com

Sorry to disappoint you, Martini, but Dead Head Pops were discontinued two years ago.

I wrote back once more, proddifying Susan for more information about the skullicious pops:

From: martini
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 5:23 PM
To: Andrews, Susan
Subject: RE: Request for info from tootsie.com

Konichiwa Susan,
Thanks for the quick reply. This is sad news. Is there a possibility of a replacement (or better yet, a revival) sometime in the future?

When I read Susan’s reply, a tear rolled down my cheek.

From: Andrews, Susan [mailto:sandrews@tootsie-roll.com]
Sent: Wednesday, September 26, 2007 11:46 AM
To: Mr. Martini
Cc: Balow, Robert
Subject: RE: Request for info from tootsie.com

Martini, thanks for the follow-up. No plans for either replacement or revival. Sorry.

I noticed she cc’d a fellow named Robert Balow. I hope ol’ Rob is a not a hit man out to silence me as a I spread the dire news of Dead Heads demise to the ‘ween-loving populace, but rather, a wise decision-maker who could bring back our beloved, bloody skeletal lollipops.

Halloween just doesn’t feel the same without them. Voice your opinion on this radical Dead Heads poll!

How Good Is Your Brain?

Being in the type of business where the public can and will criticize every little error we publish, I have accepted there will always be human error, always be blame, always be apologies and corrections the next day.

What I didn’t really realize is that this phenomenon is not limited to my area of work. My realization came the other day when I photographed this blunder on TV. Granted, it was essentially a station promo, however, it’s TELEVISION!

There are acceptable reasons for our misspellings – multiple deadlines for multiple 'products' every single day. Sometimes we only have an hour to create something. Sometimes less. We don't have a month to get these things perfect, like magazines.

For TV, things are different. It’s not like they’re putting these promos together during the commercial break. It’s not like there’s some J. Jonah Jameson-type boss screaming "hurry the hell up genius, you’ve only got 30 seconds to finish creating that spot."

So how does a hilarious error like "How Cleal Is Your House?" happen? The L key isn’t really near the N key in terms of normal typing on a QWERTY keyboard.

Is this grade 3? Do you get points for trying, like when your teacher asks you to point to South Dakota and you point to North Dakota? Is that same kid sitting at his computer, creating the commercial spot saying, "okay, one more letter. That N key is around here somewhere. Let’s try...THIS one."?

And what the blood was I doing watching the W network?

Summer Berries

When I was a kid, my neighbour had two long rows of raspberry bushes growing in her backyard. I had an open invitation to wander over and pick as many as I could, because she could not possibly eat them all.

Even though I had an endless supply of raspberries, my favourites were always blueberries, which is why Boo Berry was always my favourite monster cereal.

Oh, the things you can do with blueberries! Pie, in a bowl, and uh, that’s all I can think of.

So last year my friend gave me a raspberry bush which I planted in our backyard. And every day our awesome little bush yields between 4 and 7 super-awesome, ripeified berries.

We bought a little tub of blueberries for the everyday low price of $1.88 and I sprinkled my home-grown raspberries on top and had myself a super-delicious fruit bowl.

It feels good eating something from our own garden. Sadly, my list of awesome things to do with raspberries is even shorter than my blueberry list. Stinkin’ useless raspberries.

Perhaps I should submit a question to the Useless Men on what to do with raspberries.

An Alarming Waiver

For our fifth anniversary, Suz and I travelled to Erie, PA and paid a visit to Splash Lagoon, a super-cool indoor water park similar to, but way tons more crowdeder than, the one we stayed in last year.

We stayed in one of the connecting hotels, a Residence Inn Marriott. Our room was neat. It had a fully equipped kitchen, a fireplace, and a separate bedroom.

But when we signed in, we had to sign an unusual waiver. It stated that if we made too much noise we would be evicted from the hotel with no refund.

At 2:15 a.m. on the 2nd night, the noise rule was broken. Broken by the fire alarm. But it was no ordinary alarm. I am quite sure it caused hearing damage to everyone in a ten mile radius. And if that wasn’t enough, there was an ocular offense as well. Optical grenades were lobbed at my eyes via the high-intensity strobe light attached to the alarm.

When I peeked into the hall, I was alone. Nobody else opened their doors. The alarm fell silent and as my heart settled down, I did my best to fall back asleep.

At 3:00 a.m. I had a nightmare about the alarm, and woke up in a panic. Everything was quiet. I fell back asleep.

But things were different at 6:55 a.m. Barely recovered from the first alarm, the piercing sound again drove us from our crotchety slumber. The girl at the check-in counter was amazingly unhelpful stating simply, "there’s nothing we can do about it."

I phoned and asked for the manager, and was put through to her voicemail. I told her we were having a rotten time on our anniversary because of their alarm, and that if we were required to sign a no-noise waiver, then we expected the hotel to abide by the exact same rules.

So what happens when the hotel doesn’t abide by their own rules? I'll tell you. You get a supervisor as well as a manager apologizing to you, you get an explanation of what happened with the malfunctioning alarm, a useless verbal guarantee that the alarms will not go off if you stay there again, and a discount on your room rate the next time you decide to stay there.

I’m still waiting for that letter in the mail.