Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Niagara Falls = Water Fun

Suz cowering beneath the impending waterfall of... water.

Niagara Falls has changed a lot since I was a kid. The haunted houses are still there, but they've added a new one. The on-street parking is still the same, but they've added a massive parkade, and pretty much all of the deserted emtpy lots have been developed.

The big water attraction, the falls themselves, are still hanging around, but two new water features were added. The Hampton, The Sheridan, The Skyline Inn and The Brock Plaza Hotel joined forces this spring to bring one of them, a 125,000 sq. ft. water park.

Suz and I spent an entire day waterlogging ourselves on their 16 water slides. It was easy because the water park was connected to our hotel (The Brock) by a set of elevators which took us to the top of the parking garage, where it was so warm and humid, it was practically tropical.

If high speed tube slides are your cup of tea, this is the right place. One set of stairs leads you to four tube slides, all of which are tube shaped, and require the use of inflated tubes. Each have their own distinct personality.

Climb a different set of stairs and there are four more slides, two of which were body slides. Señior Yellow was a tempting slide. Straight, with one sudden drop steep enough to launch anyone under 250 lbs. airborne for about 2 seconds.

That yellow slide was an exhilerating, short ride which I've dubbed "The Nutcracker". If you're planning on having kids, this is not the slide for you. Upon reaching the bottom of the slide, approximately 75 gajillion gallons of water (give or take a gajillion) slam into your Frank N' Beans after sneaking between your crossed legs. I wanted to tell the girl monitoring the slide that she should warn guys about this hazard, but I didn't feel comfortable talking to a girl about my private parts with my wife standing beside me.

To give me a chance to heal we hung out in the wave-action pool, at least until we developed motion sickness. To ease her queasiness, Suz settled into one of the huge hot tubs, while I climbed into the brilliantly designed playhouse. Water guns, valves, and tipping buckets were everywhere. If you're afraid to get water in your eye, stay away, or you'll be screaming "My eye! My eye!" for eight straight hours, especially with me behind the valve controls.

Wanna big blast of water? When the bell starts ringing, the enormous bucket o' fun will dump its contents on hapless fools below. Suz was one of those fools, about 9 times in a row.

The best part about the park was how deserted it was. It felt like we owned the place. At any time we could ride down any slide we wanted, without ever having to wait in a line.

Riding over the falls in a barrel you wouldn't encounter any lines either, but I'd still recommend the water park. It was much more safe.


Blogger Rainypete said...

I wouldn't recommend the falls in a barrel thing. The police make the end of the ride a bit of a killjoy.

As for the nutcracker, I definitely would have told the girl about it, wife or no wife. They should have a sign or something.

12:04:00 PM

Blogger Jerry Bowley said...

Sounds like a blast!

You know, they should have an "Adults Only" waterpark... No, not a twisted sexual thing, you freak... I mean like they should sell liquor in there. Can you imagine the vertigo on one of those slides when you've got a few wobbley-pops under your belt? Awesome!

Of course, they'd have to seriously up the chlorine content in the pool, I'd suspect...

1:39:00 PM

Blogger mmat said...

i think i need to verify the awesomenessisity of this water park in person. it's been many years since i've been to a good water park like that.

2:22:00 PM

Blogger Unknown said...

Wow, that looks excellent & I am not a huge fan of water parks!! The one we went to in Cyprus had those tipping buckets - they are mad! The water really hurts when it hits you!

2:25:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

I don't understand why people have a preconceived notion that waterparks are for kids. They should be for adults too. It's not like adults outgrow water the way they outgrow their Big Wheels. Okay bad analogy. I've never outgrown the Big Wheel.

Pete, you're right. I'll make a sign and mail it to them. "Warning. Yellow Slide Is a Nut-Blaster. Wear a Cup."

2:25:00 PM

Blogger Vicki said...

I absolutely LOVE waterparks. I think I need to check this one out.

10:43:00 PM

Blogger Unknown said...

Waterparks are cool. I wanna go there.

8:52:00 AM

Blogger Monogram Queen said...

Ha haaaa I am so laughing at the Nutcracker one. We used to go to the Water Park in Myrtle Beach and sneak liquor in our suntan bottles to put in the lemonade slushies. Yes we were lushies ;)

9:41:00 AM

Blogger Ellie Creek Ellis said...

well, awesome, but i think i'll stick to my natural water parks....those ice cold lakes and streams that are the final destinations for our hikes and camping trips.

there's just something about amusement park/water parks that make me a little squeemish...maybe it's all the water and their peeeeeee......

9:32:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Patti Cake - you are a genius. That is totally brilliant.

If I wasn't allergic to frigid water and falling rocks, I'd definitely be spending more time playing in the shallow water under our local waterfalls.

12:44:00 PM


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home


This many people accidentally stumbled upon my site
...while searching for porn.