Whisky - the Movie

"One of the best films of the year... Brilliant!"

- City Pages (Minneapolis)

2004 wasn't a particularly fantastic year for film, but it wasn't bad. LOTR: The Return of the King won Best Picture and Lost in Translation, chock full of exciting whisky visuals, was nominated for a handful of Academy Awards. Good stuff.

On the other hand, from Uruguay, came the film "Whisky." Admittedly, Sue and I chose it for its cover. Besides the alluring title, it was thoroughly showered with prizes. And yet, it was a poor choice.

The first half of the movie was interesting, despite the minimal and painful dialogue. The director makes mundane seem captivating as regular people encounter everyday problems not typically explored in film. At times the repetitiveness of these problems provided mild amusement while other times I found myself yelling, "We get it! Move on!"

"Profound, deadpan comedy" - The New York Times. Deadpan? Maybe. The actors conversations were so flat I believed they were amateurs pulled directly off the street. But that's okay, because I knew I'd be excited when they got into the whisky.

"Exhilarating!" - Miami Herald. Aside from the fact I found the intricacies of the machinery (a sock factory) exciting, I would say the correct word to describe this movie is boring. But that's okay, because I was excited, readying my mind to see how many whiskies I could name.

"Masterfully understated comic performances." - BBC (UK). There were a few somewhat funny moments where I smiled, but nothing sly, witty or masterful. The performances were so utterly devoid of emotion it could have been acted by cardboard boxes. But that's okay, because I couldn't wait to see what kinds of whisky they were going to drink!

Approximately three quarters of the way through the film, I came to the realization I'd been duped. There was no climax to the (in)activities of the protagonists and there was no whisky. None whatsoever.

The misleading title wasn't the only source of my frustration. The key element of the plot (when his brother comes to visit, Jacobo asks one of his employees to pretend to be his wife) was never explained and stories that started to develop from it were never explored. It was almost an interesting film, but every aspect of it was far, far too restrained.

How it won the grand prize at the Tokyo International Film Festival, or first prize at the Havana Film Festival are so beyond my comprehension that I've come up with one logical answer: no other films competed against it.

If Whisky has taught me anything it's proof that your grade school teachers were right - never judge anything by its cover, even if the cover is full of accolades.

Honda Acty, The Best Truck Ever

The Honda Acty is the best truck ever built. Why? Because it's dangerous. And danger means excitement!

A friend of our family imported a fleet of Honda Actys for his business, which requires drivers to sit on the right-hand side of the vehicle. My dad brought the fleet back for him, this one with the cutest baby crane you ever saw! Unfortunately, none of the fleet were Acty Dumps (quite possibly the best name for a truck ever).

In North America the Acty is out of place. It's a Kei class truck, built to meet the requirements of the Japanese government as they combat their crowded roadways and polluted air. In Tokyo (and probably other cities) you must have a registered parking space before you're allowed to own a vehicle. However, the Kei class vehicles let you around that rule because of their tininess.

Kei class vehicles are built to specific, itsy-bitsy dimensions with a maximum engine size of 660 cc. This 3-cylinder engine has a top speed of 110 kph, which means it's legal on Ontario's 400 series highways. However, after bouncing around on city streets at breakneck speeds of 60 kph, that idea utterly frightens me.

With a mere 1 inch of metal separating me from the world, the Acty was like driving a skateboard. Manoeuvrability is astonishing, but concentration is important. Almost everything is reversed from what we are used to. At first I used the wipers to signal my turns and grabbed the door when I wanted to shift. Strange how the brain works.

If you want some excitement in your life but skydiving, blind dates and volunteering for medical experiments scare you a bit too much, find a Japanese micro truck and take it around the block. If you're not smiling as you fumble around with the shifter and signals, go back inside. You are destined for a boring life.

Run For Your Life! It's Victoria Day!

The first time I was nearly killed, a Buzz Bee tore through the air straight at my face and forced me to dive into the soft Florida sand. The Buzz Bee followed suit, exploding right beside me. It was unexpected.

Buzz Bees had a plastic pair of "wings" clipped to them which enabled them to fly around. But I never foresaw it flying out over the Gulf of Mexico, turning 180 degrees and zooming straight back at my face.

You'd think I would have learned from that experience, but you'd be wrong. Every Victoria Day I haphazardly light off fireworks with friends, clad in minimal protection (read: t-shirt and jeans).

For the first time possibly ever, I read the warnings on the fireworks I purchased for Victoria Day 2013. And boy was I shocked. The warnings are absurd. In fact they're literally impossible to adhere to. So what are these warnings? I'll start with the 50-Shot Strobing Missile cake.

The strobing missiles state "Light fuse and stand clear 60 meters." That's right, 60 meters. That's just shy of 200 feet. The fuse is 5 seconds, give or take. Usain Bolt, are you reading my blog? Well, Mr. Bolt, how long does it take you to cover 200 feet? Please leave me a comment!

Next up is one of my fav's. It's small, but cool: The Hot Tamale. The Hot Tamale instructions tell spectators to stand clear 70 meters! That's 230 feet! In five seconds I can barely run the length of my driveway, let alone the ENTIRE width of my block!

And now for the best. The Cherry Bomb. A single shot, one big bang. Are you ready for this?

You must stand clear a whopping ONE HUNDRED METERS from the Cherry Bomb. Can you even begin to fathom that? Here, let me help you. Usain Bolt, the fastest man in the world, lights the fuse and starts sprinting. After five seconds the Cherry Bomb launches into the air. Usain has covered 50 meters - just. Twenty-six seconds later, nearly the entire length of a bad Pizza Pops commercial, Usain Bolt hits the safe point. The Cherry Bomb exploded 5 years ago, a new President was sworn in, and everyone's 11 year old daughter now has her driver's license.

It's Victoria Day! Run for your lives!

Shave Your DeLorean Eyebrows!

Although the DeLorean's stainless facade allows it to withstand the elements for 115 to 117 years, there is one thing that can make the 80's icon look atrocious.

Eyebrows.

In the DeLorean world, "eyebrows" are what we call the warping of the front fascia above the headlights. When the fascia rises over the high beams, it replaces the strong, confident look of the car with a comically worried one.

I don't know if there has ever been 100% consensus on the cause, but it is generally accepted that the sun is the culprit. My car is a good argument for that theory. The original owner had two homes - one in California, the other in Arizona. He spent years driving back and forth in the blazing desert sun between the two, rocking out to A-ha.

Over the years my eyebrows worsened until, in 2010, I had had enough. The solution: steel bars. I bought two, each 1/8 inch thick, approximately 1 inch wide, and 15 inches long. To adhere the bar to the underside of the fascia, I bought a tube of SikaTack-Drive windshield glue from Speedy Autoglass for around $27. It is fully cured in only 2 hours. (The Speedy employee told me to work FAST, as I would only have about 5 seconds of fiddling time if I didn't set the bars right.)

My stick-arms trembled as the front grille resisted my attempts to remove it. When it popped off, I then removed all four headlights followed by the headlight mounts. This gives access to the fascia.

SikaTack-Drive windshield glue is horrible stuff. Scaaaary horrible. Its tar-like properties allow it to adhere to anything, including air molecules. It must be heated up an incredible amount before you can use it. I placed it on my engine and ran the car. During this time I used my heat gun to warm up the top and underside of the fascia until it was pliable.

After nearly an hour, I put the tube of warm SikaTack- Drive in my caulking gun. With great difficulty I managed to apply it to one side of the steel bar. I then slid the bar inside the fascia and clamped it down (or "up" rather) using a piece of wood to protect the paint.

I repeated this on the other side and left it clamped for the afternoon.

Six hours later I removed the clamps. Instantly I watched the fascia strain against the steel bars as it tried to pull itself back into its warped state. The steel bars actually bent! At first I threw a temper-tantrum. However, considering how bad my eyebrows were, the result was actually good. My driver's side eyebrow was diminished by about 90% while my passenger side looks about 95%. And for now, it's better than forking out a grand for one of these.

MIA: Auchentoshan Three Wood

Stay with me here. If you live in Ontario, frequent the LCBO, drink scotch and enjoy Auchentoshan, you just might have noticed that the LCBO is no longer stocking the Three Wood.

Being one of my all-time favourite scotches, this was of concern to me. Big concern. Okay, here's the truth: I cried myself to sleep after punching my pillow into oblivion (an hours-long task). But really, very much really, I'm thankful Dan brought this to my attention.

Want to know what's going on? I certainly did. So in my despair I emailed the folks at the LCBO to ask why they were being so cruel:

Customer By Web Form (Mr. Martini) 04/26/2013 07:11 PM
I have noticed you are no longer carrying Auchentoshan Three Wood. I'm quite upset, in an adult sort of way, and no I'm not even kidding. Can you tell me the reason(s) you've stopped, and if you'll stock it again in the future? Thank you v. much.

I have since learned that "v. much" is a rather British thing to do. Unaware, that is how I sent my message to the non-British LCBO, my actual state of being much more bleak than my letter. When the response came my heart utterly sank when I read, "currently unavailable," but SPOILER ALERT! It gets better.

Response Via Email (Dorothy) 04/30/2013 08:55 AM
Hello Mr. Martini,

Thank you for contacting helloLCBO about Auchentoshan Three Wood. This product was last released through our Vintages program in November 2011. The Three Wood is currently unavailable in our stores as it is being moved into our Whisky Shop program. We are planning to repurchase this product and to make it available in stores starting mid-October 2013. You may wish to contact us again in early fall for further updates.

Best Regards,
Dorothy
helloLCBO

The reply was a REAL letter! I was not addressed as "Dear Customer." And it did not insult me with typical form letter disdainfulness! This was all REAL! Dorothy, wherever you are, you're the best. Thank you for a satisfying reply. I am looking forward to October even more than usual now.

Auchentoshan 18 year Single Malt

Ingrained in the human spirit is the desire to take home a souvenir from their travels. Or maybe it was successful marketing born 100 years ago, or perhaps the social acceptance of thievery. Who knows. But I knew that when I returned from Paris I wanted to bring home something special. Something I couldn't buy at home. One of those things was a bottle of Auchentoshan 18 year old scotch.

I bought this European standard size 700 ml bottle at La Maison du Whisky for the equivalent of $108 Cdn.

When I finally got around to opening it, I tried not to get excited. This was my first 18 year old scotch. So what happened? I was a little disappointed.

I sniffed for a VERY long time, unable to discern anything in particular. After a while my nose stopped working. I took a break, and when I went back to the glass I continued to have this problem. It was too tight. I couldn't detect anything. So I let it sit, open, for a day.

Back again there was a noticeable difference (and with half the bottle gone, I noticed an even bigger difference). A hint of vanilla. Sweet. Fruity. But very faint. Nothing very strong, all coming together beautifully.

The taste is immediately sweet and salty. I find the flavours extremely similar to the Auchentoshan 12 year old, only each flavour is a bit more vivid. Grass, nutty honey, ginger, the tiniest bit of smoke.

The finish is warm barley, dry and fades rather quickly. Way too quickly. Just makes you want to have another sip. And hey, that sounds like a great idea.

Rotten things have been said about Auchentoshan 18 y.o., things I thought were undeserving. While absolutely tantalizing, the 18 y.o. is extremely similar to the 12 year. There's just not enough of a distinctness to justify the price difference. Perhaps that is one of the reasons the LCBO does not carry it. But be forewarned, LCBO! Drop the Three Wood and I'll be throwing a king-sized, whisky-fuelled hissy fit.

A perfect, yet overpriced automatic DeLorean, for sale by an owner who's confused fantasy with reality. (Sound familiar Mr. Northern Ontario who wanted $45,000 back in 2003?) Look around and you'll find one just as nice for half the price.

LMDW: $108 Cdn equivalent
700 mL
43% (86 proof)

Hypermiling in a DeLorean

In 1981 the EPA rated the DeLorean's fuel economy at 19 and 21 mpg. Pretty fair for the time, remembering J.Z.D. chose taller gear ratios for good mileage. But can the DeLorean do better?

I recently returned from DMC Midwest where I drove over 500 miles in my DeLorean. On the return trip I recorded my mileage twice to make a comparison. The car was loaded with both myself and my dad at a combined 280 lbs, as well as approximately 150 lbs of luggage, miscellaneous spare parts, and scotch.

The first half of the drive was pissmeoff stop & go rush-hour traffic in the Chicago Loop. Not good. But perfect for a fair "mixed driving" test. The second half of that drive I was on the freeway doing a constant 70 mph.

Roughly 3 hours later I pulled off to eat and fill up as well. I had covered 155 miles and paid for 6.875 gallons at a Marathon station.

For the next test I decided to drive a constant 75 mph. If the car performed well at this high speed, I would be impressed. A few hours and 259 miles later I filled up at Hess. This time the tank held 9.338 gallons.

So what were the results?

The first drive generated a surprise. 22.54 U.S. mpg. What? 22 mpg in stop-and-go traffic? Wow. I just hypermiled my DeLorean. But could my numbers be even higher? The second drive was clearly better despite driving at a higher speed and rpm. I did the math and achieved 27.74 U.S. mpg. A far cry from my Insight, but a pretty incredible number nonetheless!

Curiosity! What will I get at 62 mph (100 kph)?
-----------------

Here's the math:
155 miles divided by 6.875 gallons = 22.54 mpg = 10.43 L/100 km
259 miles divided by 9.338 gallons = 27.74 mpg = 8.48 L/100 km

Gullwing Grief - Hairdryer to the Rescue

People are undeniably seduced by gullwing doors, whether they're on a lowly DeLorean or the supreme Mercedes SLS.

DeLorean doors, powered by a Grumman-aerospace torsion bar plus a strut, want to rise upward by nature. The only thing holding them down are the latches. And my latches are worn out. In the cold they don't catch and the doors launch upward.

Since I can't drive the car in the cold specifically because of this problem, I decided to have DMC Midwest replace my latches. I made all the arrangements, ordered parts, booked hotels and even plane flights.

But the ONE day I have to drive to Crystal Lake, Illinois is a terribly cold day sandwiched between all the nice the weather. And the main reason I'm going, ironically, is so the Swingles can replace my latches that don't work in the cold! This means that on my nine hour drive I would not be able stop. Not to eat, pee or even get gas.

Now here's the absurd part. In addition to these woes, my driver's window is broken and stuck in the up position. This means I have to open my door every time I pay a toll or talk to the border guards. But once my door is open, my goose is cooked.

Solution: A one thousand eight hundred and seventy-five watt hairdryer. To make this work I bought a super-badass 2000 watt inverter for $199. I attached appropriate cables, clamped it to my battery, and plugged in the purple hairdryer.

As ridiculous as this sounds, it works. Now I'm thinking of bringing my 1000 watt microwave too. After all, what's a road trip without burritos!?

Toronto St. Patrick's Day Parade 2013

Tomorrow Toronto will hold their 26th annual St. Patrick's Day parade - and they'll be short one DeLorean. I won't be able to attend thanks to the number 114,000 and, ironically, to the colour green.

In the DeLorean world, surpassing 100,000 miles is uncommon. These are collector cars, and have been since the company went bankrupt. Sometime around 1983 people started squirrelling away their DMC-12s, some thinking it would skyrocket in value, others because parts were sometimes difficult to acquire. Mileage, generally, remained very low as the cars were rarely driven.

My DeLorean has 114,000 miles on the clock, which is relatively high. With that much use, things wear out. The novelty of the car is, for me at least, its achilles heel: My gullwing doors aren't working. The problem lies in the worn-out door latches. In the cold they do not catch and the doors pop back open.

As glorious as it would be, I can't drive down the highway in full gullwing mode, Huey Lewis blasting on the tape deck, my ascot blowing in the wind, giving all a rockin' thumbs up.

The Swingles, at DMC Midwest, will be replacing my worn out latches in April, along with a few other things. One of those other things will be the radiator, as I've just developed a lovely lime leak. I'll take this opportunity to install the all-aluminum rad from the DeLorean Motor Company and the Toby Peterson Wings-B-Cool cooling fans.

All of this work means, short of a snow storm, I will be there again next year to help Toronto celebrate St. Patrick's Day!
------------

See Toronto St. Patrick's Day Parade 2012

Literal Shitty Taxes

I'M A MILLIONAIRE! Oh wait, that's a complete lie. Nevermind. I guess I'll start blogging again just as soon as I get my taxes out of the way.

Yeah, tax season. Fun stuff right? It is! When you know you're getting a refund, anyway. But what about when you have two very old cats? And what if those poor, wretched old jerks decided to barf and shit on everything you own? And what if that included all your tax documents?

Excrementy and vomity paperwork is difficult enough to deal with, but it's especially embarrassing when you have to give it all to your accountant. You know, because it's TAX SEASON.

How do you explain the brown smears to her? You can't just let her touch it... can you? And you certainly can't wash it off. Have you ever tried to wash paper? I'll let you in on a little secret. It doesn't work.

Okay, so there are two options. Option one is to keep your mouth shut and let her touch the number 2. Did I forget to mention it's not ordinary cat crap? No, kitty was having a bad day when she smeared her extraordinarily raunchy ass on our paperwork. This is the pinnacle of abominable bowel movements - diarrhea.

Despite the fact that my accountant is my cousin, and even though she herself has a number of cats and horses, that option just plain sucks. So I settled on option two. I took a pair of scissors and literally cut the brown spots out. Yup, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Cut that shit out!"

DeLorean Speedo Cable - Oh Snap!

When a police officer stops you and rhetorically asks how fast you were going, "No" isn't the best answer. Neither is "less than 88 miles per hour, DUH!"

My speedometer cable broke in the fall, putting me in the stressful situation of constantly scanning bridges, bushes and side streets for sneaky speed traps. Wow, say that 5 times fast! Sneaky speed traps! Sneaky speed traps! Sneaky steed taps! Sneaky sneed maps! Bah! It's more difficult than it looks.

I ordered a new cable from Dave & Julee at DeLorean Motor Company Midwest. It's the lower cable that runs from the bottom of the Lambda counter to the angle drive on the driver's front wheel.

Replacing this cable is another of those very easy jobs that took me considerably longer. I estimate this to be a 10 minute job however, due to my nerve damage it took me about half an hour. I tried to make it easier for myself by jacking up the front of the car to give me more room to access the cable.

My next step was to undo the cable from the bottom of the Lambda and push it through the firewall. However, when I did this I noticed something unusual. There was a small electrical wire piggybacking it through the rubber gasket/plug. "This is a problem!" I thought, as it would mean I'd have to slice the gasket/plug to slide the wire through, and slice my new gasket/plug as well. I followed the wire past my pedals and behind the radio and discovered it was not attached to anything. Although I thought this was a stroke of luck at the time I have now found myself wondering, "Crap. What doesn't work?"

One thing I noticed during this job is that my old cable housing was considerably stiffer than my new cable housing. The speedo cable is prone to snapping and requires periodic lubrication. But I now think age is a factor too. As the cable housing stiffens up with age, it puts more pressure on the inner cable, which binds.

I slid the new cable through the hole in the firewall and screwed it into the Lambda. The most difficult part for me was forcing the new gasket/plug back into the firewall hole. Once it was done I simply screwed the other end of the cable into the angle drive on the front wheel. Easy! And here it is completed.

The only downside to all of this work is that it's -16 Celsius out and I'll have to wait for spring to test it out.

Woodford Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon

I suffered through my first glass of Woodford Reserve as an acrid layer of hot spice blanketed my tongue and choked my tastebuds. I had tried it in a tavern setting, with savory food. It was a mistake and I was thankful I hadn't made the costly investment of an entire bottle at the LCBO prior.

Yes, it was terrible and the balance was way off. But I was in denial, partaking of it plenty more times since that first night. Each time I had it it was dramatically better and for a long time I excitedly thought of adding one of those unforgettable bottles to my shelf.

I didn't have to wait long. When my parents returned from a Florida vacation they surprised me with a bottle of Woodford Reserve. It was a gift set which included two tasteful etched glasses as well.

Woodford Reserve, with its beautiful wood and cork stopper, is a small batch whiskey and as such it varies from bottle to bottle. I wish I'd recorded the batch number from that first one, not that it matters because that particular supply is long gone. The one I have currently is bottle 545 from batch 654. And this is a fantastic batch.

Nose: sweet spicy metal, and surprisingly little alcohol considering the 45.2% abv.

This was my favourite Woodford to date with cherries and almonds followed by the strong tell-tale metallic flavour of copper pot distillation. What really surprised me was a delicious but faint smokiness too. Finally, the spicy rye hits.

The finish is dry and nutty with a hint of pine. Nosing the glass afterward all I can smell is fresh cut wood. Very nice!

WR is akin to a nicely kept, relatively stock DeLorean. The biggest difference being some 17" aftermarket wheels. The car definitely looks flashier and more luxurious, fast even. But it's probably not to everyone's taste.

Gift from my parents
750 ml
45.2% (90.4 proof)

www.woodfordreserve.com

The DeLorean Crash Test

"The DeLorean proved to be a very well designed vehicle in terms of allowing a relatively great amount of front end crush without adversely compromising the survival space in the compartment." -NHTSA

Here we go again! Yet another bonehead has found this old DeLorean crash-test video and I can't stop laughing. The authors' editorial on the impact and on the car itself is erroneous to the point of hilarity.

The comments are SO asinine I'm not even going to put the link to the article because this idiot should not be receiving more traffic. But if you're curious, it was posted January 10 on Bangshift.com. If this posting is indicative of the level of intelligence Bangshift.com employs, I urge you to stay far, far away.

Yes, yes, opinions! Everyone is entitled! Unfortunately many a DeLorean author has formed an opinion having never even set eyes on one. More often than not, they regurgitate incorrect specs and compare the DeLorean to modern cars rather than their 1981 counterparts. Always an amateur thing to do.

The video is old. A total geezer. It has been discussed for years. If you haven't seen it don't watch it like Brian did, full of hate. Watch objectively.

There is a lot of competition but the title, "...fold up like a wet cardboard box", is possibly the most foolish remark. I almost feel sorry for Brian, who doesn't understand crumple zones or, more likely, any sort of basic automotive engineering. I seriously can't stop laughing at this dunce who sees wet paper where everyone else sees the car crumpling precisely as it was designed.

Because this is the higher 40-mph test it's difficult to compare to other early 80s crash-tests. Most are the more common 30 and 35 mph tests. Regardless, the NHTSA report declares the 40-mph test a success.

Here's the simple truth: the DeLorean was designed to crumple in a crash. By engineers. Engineers are generally considered to be pretty smart. Guys who write shit on the internet? Not so much (Look Mom! I'm on the internet. I'm writing in my blog! Look! MOM! LOOK AT ME!).

Amrut Indian Single Malt

"When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun."
             -Clark Griswold.

Vacations are supposed to be fun. And I had a lot of fun in Paris back in 2012. One of the highlights was my visit to La Maison du Whisky, an incredible shop full of liquid treasure.

I purchased their very last bottle of 1975 Auchentoshan 35 year old. As a thank you they gave me a couple of minis for free. One of them was Amrut, no age statement. Amrut is distilled in Bangalore, India, which seems a tad odd considering whisky typically comes from Scotland, Ireland, the USA, Canada and Japan. However, Jim Murray gave the Amrut Fusion 97.5, his highest score to date. My mini though, is the entry level Amrut, aged probably less than 8 years, and comes in a weensie little cylindrical tin. Perfect for storing empty minis when you've finished!

On the nose I felt a warm, strange sweetness slightly like Irish whiskey. It does not give any hints to the 46% abv.

The taste was sweet and floral, like nothing I've tasted before. Exotic, like a zingy felt-tipped marker on my tongue. Ginger. There was a strange punch at the end, like rope. And peach pit. But not peaches.

The finish was gingery again, with a woody taste followed by the same zesty peach pit rope. Very unique, not long and not strong. I really had a hard time figuring this one out. Rope, rope, rope. That just can't be right.

This Indian whisky is like a modified DeLorean. Inside are strange seats and carbon fibre accents around an aftermarket stereo and shifter. The suspension is something you've never seen before, yet it still has that very familiar feel to it and you just know you want to drive it.

La Maison du Whisky: Free
50 ml
46% (92 proof)

www.amrutdistilleries.com