My Cereal Cupboard

This is my cereal cupboard. It contains a variety of delicious breakfast foods that I enjoy eating when I eventually drag my weary ass out of bed, which is usually half an hour too late.

On the top shelf you'll notice such tasty things as Nesquik and Reese Puffs greasy Peanut Butter Cups cereal. No, you’re not crazy. (Well, okay, maybe a little) Those boxes are quite a bit smaller than regular cereal boxes. They are 160 and 165 grams, respectively. They cost one dollar each. A steal considering a 360 gram box of Nesquik costs over $4.

To the left is my Carnation Instant Breakfast. These things are like chocolate candy milkshakes. The only thing better would be cotton candy coated bacon with some super awesome homefries on the side.

On the next shelf is 2 boxes of Boo Berry, one box of Franken Berry. I bought a disgusting number of boxes of the famous Monster Cereals on a trip to the states one fine November.

After eating them for breakfast and for dinner for 3 straight months, and creating my own variation of them, I became sick of them. The eating ceased. Even now their staleness penetrates my tastebuds and repulses my stomach. Yet, for some unknown reason, I refuse to throw them out.

Nestled on top is an emtpy box of Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp. I really should get rid of that one. To the left of those are two of Suz's cereals. They are more the healthy variety, so I don’t touch them.

On the bottom shelf you will find one box of Brown Sugar Mini Wheats and one unopened box of Chocolate Lucky Charms. I'm the founding member of CLCA (Chocolate Lucky Charms Anonymous) and therefore fight my urges without a sponsor. I've restricted my Chocluck intake to the weekend only, and it usually only lasts for one weekend - as 5 bowls is a typical breakfast for me.

Frankenberry - It's Alive!

Just like Dr. Frankenstein in Mary Shelley's classic novel, I decided to create a monster. My Monster cereal supply has been dwindling and I wanted to give my breakfast a jolt of new life.

I've dubbed it Boookenberry! That's right, Boookenberry, with three 'O's. Muhuhahaha!

Satisified with my toothpaste sketch on my bathroom mirror, I headed downstairs to begin the operation. I carefully added Booberry cereal to my bowl. Then, ever so gently, I coaxed an equal amount of Frankenberry cereal into the same bowl. These turned out to be the correct components that I needed, and in the proper proportions.

My experiment was slightly different than Dr. Frankenstein's however. Instead of using electricity to bring my Monster cereal to life, I used a white, milky substance: Bovine juice.

After I poured the liquid onto my new creation, I realized I only had a few minutes to test it before it turned soggy and rotten. Using a spoon, I ate the Boookenberry. The morsels of the mixed cereals crunched between my teeth and the marshmallows slid down my throat.

Success!

I recorded the results of my experiment for future reference, and have hidden the papers. I suspect the government will not be pleased with my fooling with nature. Neither Frankenberry nor Booberry are permitted in my country. I've risked a great deal by bringing them both here.

My hope is to prove, through the success of this experiment, that these two General Mills cereals are not dangerous, either singally, or co-mingled, and should be available to all Canadians.

With this proof, I will eventually bring joy back to our proud country of Frankenberry-loving Canucks.

Monster Cereal Deal

I have said it before and I'll say it again. I am a cereal fiend. But a fiend with a twist. As much as I love cereal, I also get sick of eating the same thing over and over again. That's why my most favourite cereal of all time is a 3-way tie betweenn General Mills' Monster Cereals.

I love all three, but if Frank, the spokesmonster for Frankenberry cereal held a strawberry to my head and forced me to pick an absolute favourite, I'd have to say Boo Berry. Partly because I love ghosts, and partly because I love blueberries.

I must take this opportunity to apologize to my longtime best-breakfast-friend, Count Chocula. Dear Count, there are two reasons why I can no longer choose you as my breakfast soulmate. The first is that General Mills has destroyed you by changing their marshmallow recipe. Once your marshmallows were firm, delicious and crunchy, but now they are nothing but mush and sog. The second is that you are too plentiful. You are available everywhere! I can't turn a corner at the local Barn or Fortino's without seeing your face. Were you more rare, like your fruity brothers, I think I'd love you more. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me.

The rarest of the Monster cereals are Boo Berry and Frankenberry. These two morning treats have not been available in Canada for decades, probably pulled from the shelves after Fruity Yummy Mummy's disastrous debut.

And through relatives and friends in the U.S. I have even learned that Frank and Boo only make rare appearances at Halloween! Although an extremely cool marketing ploy, I'm saddened to learn their popularity has diminished in the last 20 years. C'mon General Mills! Advertise! Get these bad boys on the most-wanted list again!

I contacted General Mills in 2004 because it was possible to order these cereals at any time of year. However, they refused to ship to Canada. What's wrong with Canada I ask?

But I digress. Taking a trip to Connecticut 4 days after Halloween was brilliant. Upon our arrival I quickly headed out to every grocery-type store in the area. Target was clearing out "Seasonal" Count Chocula for 49¢ per box! A great deal, but it's abundant in Canada. I was searching for the rarest of the three.... And I found them in Wal-mart for $1.98 a box!

Twenty dollars and some bizarre looks later, I loaded 10 boxes of joy into the trunk. Now, every morning I insert that chemical-infused joy into my mouth, imagining the days of a childhood that never was, because I was hardly ever allowed to eat this kind of cereal.

If I stretch it, I might make the cereal last until February. Now my countdown to sadness begins.