The Best Christmas Gift

Christmas is a busy time for everyone. It's busy for men because we rush to the malls last minute, get distracted by 60" 1080p plasma TVs and end up forgetting to buy gifts for our loved ones. It's busy for the women because not only are they planning what will be served at the obligatory Christmas party, they are also baking the pastries and cookies because the men are too selfishly distracted by that 60" plasma TV they just bought themselves during the pre-Christmas sale. Kids? Well, they're not busy at all. But that doesn't mean they're quietly hiding out of the way. No, kids are bouncing off the walls full of excitement, full of joy, and full of candy.

Way tons much candy. Yeah we used to say that. I don't know who we is, or when we said it. But we did. And, clearly, I still do.

Suz and I spent Christmas morning opening our taxedermied platypuses, back shavers, cans of "Fart-B-Gone" and life-sized posters of goats. Once the excitement ended, we headed off to my parents for a tasty dinner with grandma, followed by more extravagant gifts. (I can't believe I got two goat posters.)

Boxing day was a day of travelling. Suz and I spent 5 hours driving to her parents, in the Ottawa vicinity. Another delicious dinner and another round of gift-opening resulted in happiness, and a DVD all about goats.

However, of all the gifts received I'm hard-pressed to find a better one than the pine tree which decided to fall vaguely into the grass and underbrush. Specifically, it was the fact that it fell AWAY from our aluminum Insight instead of on top of it, crippling its driveability and stranding us.

The wind storm fiercely snapped treetops the way a big thing, lets say a monster, snaps little things, like toothpicks. Power lines went down and were it not for the natural gas stove, all would have gone hungry.

Tough trees braved the storm by using nature's sneaky technique of bending, some at staggering 45 degree angles. More pathetic trees, like the pine near our car, cracked at the base and slammed to the ground. An elderly elm crashed across the gravel driveway, blocking it entirely. Suz's brother, arriving back from church, was the first to discover the mess. Single-handedly, he broke it apart and moved the pieces to the sides of the driveway, but it was still wise to drive over the remains slowly.

The death of trees is sad, but goes relatively unnoticed at Christmas, a time when pines are cut down and sold at Home Depot for a tidy profit, a profit which Home Depot employees then use to buy discounted Christmas trees, sap-protectors and goat DVDs for their own families.

In the end, because nothing was damaged, the fallen trees were soon forgotten. Everyone was happy that everyone was safe and uncrushed, and Christmas was a success!

Season's Worst Sugar Cookies

The Christmas spirit struck our insurance agent this year, and as a result Suz and I received a recipe from her in the mail. The recipe was entitled, "Season's Best Sugar Cookies" and as a huge fan of sugar cookies, I was dying to try it.

At the bottom of the professionally printed recipe card was a note that stated "This recipe is a personal family favourite of Hallmark designer Jeanee Wallace." This endorsement, coupled with the fact that Suz is an excellent baker, made me confident we were about to bake the best cookies ever in the history of the world.

Everything Suz makes is pretty much super tasty. She even baked our wedding cake, to the surprise of many guests. Because of these mad baking skills it was easy for her to mix together:
1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
2 eggs, well-beaten
1/2 cup milk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder and
3 1/2 cups flour

Together we placed the tablespoon-size rounds of dough on the greased cookie sheet. Together we used our index fingers to make the dough a nice circle. And, precisely 10 minutes later at 375 degrees, together we tasted the Season's Worst Sugar Cookies.

I, not being a Sumo Wrestler and therefore not enjoying the diet of a Sumo Wrestler, was so repulsed by the overwhelming raw egg taste I had to spit mine down the sink then rinse my mouth out with fresh juice from a skunk's stink sack.

Additonally, the cookies had a consistency more like airy corn pone, instead of compact cookie. They even expanded over double the area they were supposed to.

Suz and I agreed: we both despised the cookies. When I told her my feelings towards the vomitous treats, I figured she'd be upset, but I had no choice. If I pretended to enjoy them, I'd likely find myself being tortured by these same demon-egg-cookies next Christmas.

Yes, it was a lose-lose situation for me. And I lost. But at least I'll never have to taste Jeanee Wallace's favourite cookies ever again. Merry Christmas everyone! Consider this warning my Xmas gift to you all!

Sorta Scrooge, Sorta Not

Christmas is supposed to bring out the best in people. I find that this is true on the surface, but look a little deeper and you'll find that it brings out both true and fake emotions, as jerks pretend to be nice to avoid spoiling the season, and nice people act genuine. I find myself both loving and hating Christmas for various obvious reasons.

In perfect Scrooge-fashion, I shake my cane at those drawn in to the 'crowd mentality'. Non-handicapped people, feeling that life has been unfair to them because they can't find a parking space, illegally maneouvre their cars into handicapped spaces hoping no one will notice. "I'll only be a few minutes" is what they typically tell themselves to alieve the guilt, if they even felt it in the first place.

Inside malls, crowds of people block aisles with their shopping carts, not giving two flying shits about the shoppers around them. Courteous people beware: There is shoving, rudeness and line-cutting. It's enough to make you want to skip Christmas altogether.

The feeling is a little different this year. Bad news is blasted across newspaper headlines every single day. Thinking about the number of jobs lost and companies closing their doors, it's a wonder to see that people aren't acting even more assholish.

I put my Scrooge aside when Suz and I went shopping for a family we sponsored this season. And we had a lot of fun doing it. I still feel like a kid myself, so spending an hour in Toys R Us felt like nothing. We picked up great toys for the 13-year old boy, and nice lotions and gift cards for the mom, took them home and wrapped them all.

Suz and I are okay for now but no one's future is guaranteed. I hope that if we find ourselves in a bad situation one day, someone will return the kindness.

Multi-Christmas

This year Suz and I are having multi-Christmas due to a change in our standard Christmas plans. And it has already started. So, I offer you this simple phrase, to men from 1 to 92; although it's been said many times, many ways: my apologies.

Yes, my apologies to all the men out there who are just about to start their Christmas shopping this week - because not only did I finish my shopping weeks and weeks ago, but gift-opening has already begun.

It started Saturday night when we attended Tonton's annual Christmas party. The evening was full of good times, Jesus action figures, and the house was decorated to the max. We indulged in rich chocolate desserts and fancy beverages till the wee hours.

The house was full of elaborately decorated Christmas trees, just like this one, their 20-footer. Outside, the snow storm transformed their yard into a winter wonderland. Unfortunately it also transformed the roads into a driving nightmare.

The next morning we were completely snowed in. Which was actually quite enjoyable, because Suz and I held our own Christmas in the cozy warmth of our fireplace. Breakfast was the typical Christmas feast of chocolate and candy from our ravaged stockings, and later we took the Talon out for a spin, literally, in the snow.

Later this week we'll be exchanging presents with my sister and parents before we head off to Vancouver for our final Christmas with Suz's family. I'm very excited about the trip and find it quite fun to do something different this year. I promise next year everything will return to normal, IE - no shopping until December 24th.