Roner Takes A Beating

"...Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other."

We have two cats, Beaner and Roner. Beaner is the dominant of the two, often chasing Roner all over the house. When Beaner catches Roner, things get messy.

Beaner is the fatter of the two. Her fatness is both an advantage and disadvantage. Although her chub slows her down, it also helps her block Roner's various escape-routes.

On the weekend just such a thing happened. After a chase, Bean cornered Roner in the basement. Against the ropes, Roner attempted to fight back. But the undefeated Muhammed Beaner gave Roner the pounding of a lifetime, a beating so severe that one of her claws broke free of her paw, lodging itself firmly in Roner's skull.

Roner collapsed.

Luckily we were home at the time and heard the the scuffle. We found Roner in the nick of time. The claw embedded in her brain triggered immense stupidness and forced Roner's tongue to stick out, Stimpy-style.

After some delicate surgery I pulled the claw out of Roner's head. Just as I was completing this task, the police force charged through our front door with weapons drawn. The squad leader screamed at me to "drop the weapon!"

The claw fell to the floor.

It took a few hours to sort things out. An elderly, wrinkled neighbour called 911 after she heard buttery 'gunshots' coming from our house, but it was determined that the 'gunshot' she heard was her microwave popcorn exploding. A strange coincidence. I was happy to be unhandcuffed.

Beaner, on the other hand, was not so lucky. She was charged with assault and remanded in custody. Her bail was set at two Tender Vittles. Suz and I bailed her out that night and took her back home.

Roner was taken to the hospital and underwent cranial pluggage surgery. Seventeen Doctors were happy to report that they stopped her brain from leaking out. They watched her overnight and we took her home the next morning.

Roner is relieved to be home, and Beaner is happy to have her punching bag back again.