A Weird Martini
So, I've been tagged by Lo, who, apparently, is dying to know 5 weird things about me. Take a moment to mentally prepare yourself for this. It might make you laugh, or it may haunt you forever.
I destroy blankets with my fingernails. Very much the opposite of Prisoner's Of War, I enjoy the pressure of something under my fingernails. I lay away for hours, sliding the rough edge of a blanket under my fingernails, occasionally snapping the fibres, and sometimes cutting my skin, or breaking a nail. But you won't hear me complaining about that. I can't stop until the blanket is destroyed, and the edges are soft and frayed. Then I sit and sulk until a new blanket mysteriously appears on the bed.
I love Japan and I hate answering machines. What does that mean? It means that whenever I call someone and get their answering machine or voicemail, I pretend to be, nay, I become Mr. Nakamura. I leave nonsensical or incoherent messages with a thick Japanese accent. My messages usually involve an order waiting to be picked up from my warehouse: Haro? Dis is meesta Nakamura. Rooking foh Krev-co Industry. You have ordah to be pick up at warehouse. Foh barrel. You pick up.
There is never a need to leave my name or number, because everybody knows my weirdness.
Brooms suck, vacuums suck, Swiffers suck: I am the ultimate cleaning machine. I sweep the floors with my bare hands, capturing all the cat hair, human hair and fish scales that clog our hardwood floors. Even if we just Swiffered, I get down on my hands and knees to finish the job. Nothing escapes my almighty hands. Once I'm done, do not be afraid to shake my hand. I wash thoroughly, as I detest dirt on my hands more than dirt on my floors.
Some think this is weird. Others think it's cool. I think it will save my life some day: I save all my movie stubs. My only regret is that I did not start saving them sooner. My earliest stub is Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey from 1991. Why would this collection save my life? My movie stub for "Batman Begins" will be my alibi when I'm falsely accused of murdering some skanky prostitute in a rat-infested back-alley where drunk teenagers are making out in a dumpster on a pee-soaked mattress. Seriously.
Gravestones Beware, I cannot call animals by their given names. Meet one of my kitties, Oliver, who lives with my parents. We can all agree that his given name is completely stupid. That is why I have given him some much better ones, although I cannot recall the exact order they developed. Oliver became Shmegliver. Then Shmeglin. Shmeg, Shmeggy, Shmego, Shmegloctopus, Shmegloctopus the Eight Legged Shmeg, Mew Mew, Baby Mew, Mewy, Baby Bubba, Bub, Bubba, Bubbalizer, Beebee, Bebadybew, and Sweety Beebee.
And if you think that's weird, wait till you meet Googin (rest in peace).
To finish this Meme, here are the five people I want to complete this same task:
1. Michael Jackson
3. Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo
5. Martha Stewart