CHINAAAA!

Was Survivor on last night? I don't know because I didn't watch it. I don't watch "stupid" TV.

Instead I played Command & Conquer: Generals Online, with my friend ST3, an O.P.P. Auxilliary officer who shares both my wacky sense of humour and dislike of Survivor.

Survivor is not reality TV. 'Reality' implies that this type of thing happens in real life, in other words, reality, as in the opposite of 'made-up'.

What is Survivor? It's a game show. A ridiculously stupid, long game show where morons do moronic things and piss each other off all in the hopes that they'll make it to the end to win the prize. The prize is a hefty $1,000,000 which is just the right amount to buy the original Batmobile, were it for sale.

Everyone seems to believe that the contestants on these shows are just Regular Joe's (no "reality TV" show joke intended). However, about a year ago I listened to a guest on a morning show on a local radio station. She was an aspiring actress, and a contestant on another non-reality TV game show: Fear Factor. She explained in some amount of detail how her agent got her the part on Fear Factor after she didn't get a role on Survivor. She explained how Survivor, and shows like it, were a stepping stone for actors to jump into the acting world.

Is this true? It didn't come from the TV studio, so I can't offer my Martini-guarantee. But I'll tell you this much: I believe her.

Instead of watching Survivor, ST3 and I played C&C Generals. I played as China, as usual. Their particular dialogue always brings a smile to my face. First I constructed a number of bulldozers who "build for China!" No insubordination here.

My dozer crew always gives me great advice, "Sorry sir, dere's no enough build space!" and encouragement, "Ah, it will look real nice when is done" once I've made the right decision.

Helix helicopters declare they're going to "ruin somebody's day" and gattling cannons "have many bullets to spare!" It's a good thing too, because this is war.

But even when the tide has turned against China, the game continues to amuse. As my Nuclear Migs crash to the earth in spectacular explosions, my pilots scream "China going down!!" and my favourite, "CHINAAAAAA!" Dying soldiers, honourable to the very end, cry out "China will not forget me!"

If my bulldozers could build a cemetery, I'd carve that on their headstones.

And when all my ECM tanks have distorted their last signal, and the last of my Chinese Empire has crumbled, I remind my self that it's just a game.

But using Survivor logic, this war with China is reality, simply because I'm a real person and my actions are not scripted. And that just doesn't make a lot of sense now, does it?