Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Victoria Day Mishap

''But I thought you liked it when I grabbed your derriere…''

On Monday families celebrated Victoria Day by heading down to the water to watch the fireworks display while teenagers and older immature punkasses lit firecrackers in their neighbours mailboxes and chucked smoke bombs in doggy doors.

The sad part about the Victoria Day holiday is that most people don't know why we celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday, including me. All I know is that she died just over a hundred years ago, after a very lengthy period on the throne.

Anyhoo, following in the tradition of fireworks, before bed, I decided to light off a single firecracker. I set the Red Devil M-1000 in the middle of the road and lit the awesomely thick fuse – the kind you might find on a stick of dynamite. I walked back onto my lawn, with Suz nearby.

The M-1000 expoded with a joyous bang that echoed throughout the neighourhood. "Yay!" I thought. But before I could finish that thought, I was smacked in the face with this puppy. A greyish-white, delicious-smelling hunk of smoldering firecracker.

After checking for blood, I ran inside to grab my tape-measure. I checked the distance from ground zero to the spot where I stood. The innards of the M-1000 flew 22 feet, and would have flown a lot farther had my face not interferred.

Yes, it's an exciting way to celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria. But what if I was born 125 years ago? What if I lit off that firecracker on the Queen's front porch? Would she clap her hands in appreciation of the event? Or would she give me a ripe slap across the face?

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Blogger mmat said...

i think she'd give you the clap.

2:54:00 PM

Blogger SJ said...

Of course she wouldn't slap you ... she had minions to do that sort of thing. Question is would She have been amused.

12:11:00 AM

Blogger patti_cake said...

I can't believe you got hit in the face with a piece of firecracker! Ouch!

8:23:00 AM

Blogger Rainypete said...

She'd never slap you in the face

She had people to do that for her.

10:41:00 AM

Blogger Katie said...


10:50:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Maybe I could've been one of the Queen's minions. She would give me a list of all her enemies - you know, like neighbours whose dogs pooped on her lawn - and I, with my white gloves, would stick firecrackers up their bums!

11:08:00 AM

Blogger ZoeyBella said...

It's all fun and games until someone gets hit in the face with a greyish-white, delicious-smelling hunk of smoldering firecracker.

12:30:00 PM

Blogger Arlene said...

ouch!! I think I'd be scarred for life!!

3:35:00 PM

Blogger Ms. Creek said...

smack with the fire cracker, smack with the queen's hand...it's all good.

12:14:00 AM

Blogger Yoke Kuan said...

Lol. I find your mishap farnee. I don't mean to be insensitive. =P

3:20:00 AM

Blogger Vengelyne said...

Oops, that was me, logged in with my other account. >_<

3:21:00 AM

Blogger K said...

I think she would slap you. And challenge you to a duel.

10:04:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Duels are awesome. If Batman and Robin duelled against each other, would they call it the Dynamic Duel?

12:33:00 PM

Blogger honkeie2 said...

I think if the queen was still around lighting a bag full of doggie doo on her porch, rining the door bell and running like hell would have been better. DooDoo on fire wont put out your eye.

1:46:00 PM

Blogger peddle said...

On May 24, 1854, 5,000 residents of Upper Canada gathered in front of Government House (near present day King and Simcoe Streets, in Toronto) to "give cheers to their queen. Not what you fuckers said!Have some respect for the queen!

10:58:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Peddle, thanks for the mini history tidbit. But really, I'm speechless. You've missed the point so utterly and completely that I think you've left this comment without even reading the post.

12:11:00 AM


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