MIA: Auchentoshan Three Wood

Stay with me here. If you live in Ontario, frequent the LCBO, drink scotch and enjoy Auchentoshan, you just might have noticed that the LCBO is no longer stocking the Three Wood.

Being one of my all-time favourite scotches, this was of concern to me. Big concern. Okay, here's the truth: I cried myself to sleep after punching my pillow into oblivion (an hours-long task). But really, very much really, I'm thankful Dan brought this to my attention.

Want to know what's going on? I certainly did. So in my despair I emailed the folks at the LCBO to ask why they were being so cruel:

Customer By Web Form (Mr. Martini) 04/26/2013 07:11 PM
I have noticed you are no longer carrying Auchentoshan Three Wood. I'm quite upset, in an adult sort of way, and no I'm not even kidding. Can you tell me the reason(s) you've stopped, and if you'll stock it again in the future? Thank you v. much.

I have since learned that "v. much" is a rather British thing to do. Unaware, that is how I sent my message to the non-British LCBO, my actual state of being much more bleak than my letter. When the response came my heart utterly sank when I read, "currently unavailable," but SPOILER ALERT! It gets better.

Response Via Email (Dorothy) 04/30/2013 08:55 AM
Hello Mr. Martini,

Thank you for contacting helloLCBO about Auchentoshan Three Wood. This product was last released through our Vintages program in November 2011. The Three Wood is currently unavailable in our stores as it is being moved into our Whisky Shop program. We are planning to repurchase this product and to make it available in stores starting mid-October 2013. You may wish to contact us again in early fall for further updates.

Best Regards,
Dorothy
helloLCBO

The reply was a REAL letter! I was not addressed as "Dear Customer." And it did not insult me with typical form letter disdainfulness! This was all REAL! Dorothy, wherever you are, you're the best. Thank you for a satisfying reply. I am looking forward to October even more than usual now.

The Cadbury Secret

Cadbury has a secret. The Cadbury Creme Egg secret. And seeing as how this is Easter, what a perfect time to reveal it to everyone who reads my blog. So, yeah, we're talking six people.

Cadbury doesn't want you to know something about their creme eggs. Not all Cadbury Creme Eggs are created equal, and their staff will do anything to keep that knowledge from customers.

Last Easter I came across a giant bin of Yellow and Green foil-wrapped creme eggs at a dollar store. I was very confused. Okay, MORE confused than normal. I decided to write a letter:


To: 'consumer.relations@brandspeoplelove.com'
Subject: Inquiry About Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg.

Hello,
I am hoping someone can clear up some confusion about a product which may in fact be some scary Cadbury knock-off filled with all sorts of horrors. In Ontario there are stores selling a "Cadbury Creme Egg" which is not in the traditional red & blue foil. The colours are yellow and green. Does Cadbury wrap eggs in two different foils? Does Cadbury have special relations with Dollar Stores, selling a different colour of egg? Most importantly, is this a genuine Cadbury product? I am afraid to purchase it.

Thank you,
Martini


At first it does not appear that Cadbury's customer relations reply was miserable. However, upon discovering the truth, part in thanks to Wikipedia, and part in thanks to what happened afterward, I can confidently say this reply was a massive lie wrapped in a canned letter, oozing with marketing propaganda.


From: consumer.relations@brandspeoplelove.com
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:00 PM
Subject: Your Inquiry About Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg. #001153330A

Dear Mr. Martini:

Thank you for contacting us about Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg. Your comments and inquiries are appreciated because they provide valuable feedback about our brands.

The wrapper on our Cadbury Creme Egg has not been changed. It is still a red and blue foil wrapper. The other product that you mentioned is not one of our products.

Cadbury has been making great brands that people love for more than 200 years. We are proud of our family of confectionery products and are committed to providing a wide range of choices for all individuals.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope that you will continue to purchase and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,
Consumer Relations

According to Wikipedia, this customer service representative just flat-out lied to me. Apparently Hershey is licenced to make and distribute the delectable Creme Eggs, and often wraps them in green and yellow foil. See the entry here.

I decided to write another letter to Cadbury, but I did not divulge what I knew. I wanted to see if they would correct their error, or call my bluff. Read my letter below, and then try to guess Cadbury's response.


Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:06 PM
To: 'consumer.relations@brandspeoplelove.com'
Subject: RE: Your Inquiry About Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg. #001153330A

Thank you for the information. However, it strikes me odd that you are not interested in the details about this Cadbury knock-off which is using your company name on their product, quite possibly affecting your reputation. If you are this nonchalant about other companies illegally using your company image and name, how can we trust Cadbury? How many other products out there are illegitimate Cadbury rip-offs?

Cadbury's response was deplorable. Their customer service is so terrible, so irresponsible, that they refused to reply to my inquiry. They wrote nothing back to me. I bet you didn't see that coming.

So, my question is, why would they ignore me? Were they embarrassed to admit they lied or made a mistake? It certainly can't be the fact that they're hiding the Hershey Creme Egg secret - it's on Wikipedia for all the world to see. So what other reason might they have?

Perhaps another letter is in order.

Sucking Large: Hershey's Goodies

Like all the men who came before me, Maria toys with my emotions, giving me hope when I know there is none. She barely answers my burning questions, and won't even give me her proper email address. She works for Hershey, precisely, the customer service department.


To: consumerinfo@hersheysConsumerRelations.com
Date: Aug. 5, 2009

I am in awe of what you've done to the new "Goodier" Goodies. To my recollection, I have never seen such an enormous change to a product. What amazes me in particular is how you took such a delicious product - and utterly destroyed it. The perfect balance between the candy coating and the licorice is gone. They are overpowering, like the lingering odour of dead fish. How could this product get approved? I truly, sincerely hope the new "Goodier" Goodies are temporary and that management will come to their senses and reverse this blunder!
- A Former Goodie Lover.
-----------------------



I can barely bare

to read the response that's

not in Haiku form:





From: consumerinfo@hersheysConsumerRelations.com
To: theguywhomadetheawesomebendercostume@superstud.com
Sent: Thursday, August 06, 2009 4:18 PM
Subject: Re: REF NUMBER: 006043819A

Thank you for contacting us about GOODIES candy. I am sorry you were disappointed and appreciate you bringing this to our attention.

Our product line is continuously evaluated. Occasionally products are reformulated to increase their appeal to consumers' preferences. The reformulation is accompanied by extensive market research testing to ensure that consumers will like the change.

We work closely to keep our Marketing Department informed of both the positive and negative input received from consumers. Your comments are valuable and have been forwarded to the Marketing Department.

This email address is restricted for outgoing messages only. For that reason, please do not respond to this email as the inbox is not monitored.

Maria Miller
Consumer Representative
-----------------------

Have you ever been shocked and disappointed in a product change? Have you ever been included in the so-called "extensive market research testing" these companies claim to undertake? Maria makes me cry. I don't know whether it's because she's lying to me, or because I'm so immature that I just can't handle it.

Don't Bet On Decolav

Let's play a game. C'mon, it'll be fun. Okay, here we go. Guess who won't be buying anything from what company ever again. Give up?

It's me. And Decolav.

Suz and I decided that when we finish our bathroom in our basement, it will be both very nice and very modern. With that in mind we bought a very nice and modern vanity with a vessel sink and black granite top.

I began assembling the vanity so that I could determine precisely where it would fit in the bathroom, and exactly how much clearance the door had swinging past it. These are important things that needed to be addressed before I finished the framing. Plus... ah, who am I kidding? I just like to sit 'n look at stuff.

Anyhoo, while the putting together of the vanity was taking place I ran into what I like to call a problem. This came as a surprise as I wasn't expecting anything to go awry thanks to Decolav's corporately-thunk-up-and-agreed-upon mission statement which includes the phrase "consistently offering high quality products", AND their three fundamental principals, of which the first is "to deliver the highest-quality product at unprecedented prices."

But Decolav's principals and mission statement don't match their behaviour. A piece of furniture of the highest quality would not split and bulge when the consumer tightened the machined screw into the predrilled hole only three-quarters of the way, leaving the side panel both loose and... well... split.

See where I'm going with this?

And a company that abided by its mission statement to consistently offer high quality products would certainly ensure that all four predrilled side panel holes lined up with more than just three of the predrilled base holes. Wouldn't they?

I decided to write to the Decolav company, explaining my problem and my frustration in the little box right beside the must-be-high-on-shrooms-because-nobody-in-the-world-is-that-happy-picture of the President and CEO, Robert Mayer.

I'll let you know if they live up to the 2nd of their fundamental principals, and "establish and maintain unparalleled customer service." You know where my money's riding.

Sun-Rype Customer Service

Up until December 2007 the 62-year-old Canadian company known as Sun-Rype has stealthfully fluttered under my radar. But no more. Ever since I discovered Sun-Rype's Fruit Source bars on our trip to Vancouver, not only are they smack dab in the middle of my radar, they are filling my cupboards as well as my lower intestine.

Unless fruit is spelled with two O's (as in Froot), I don't eat much of it. I'm more of a meatatarian. But now, thanks to Sun-Rype, I eat a minimum of two to three servings of fruit a day. Because that's how much fruit they cram into each bar using advanced fruit-cramming technology.

I was so amazed by the fruit bar I tried, that I excitedly wrote to Sun-Rype, after checking their website for Ontario fruit bar distribution:

Subject: Consumer Service Inquiry
NameTitle: Mr.
LastName: Martini
InquiryType: General Inquiry

Message: Hello,
I just discovered your fruit bars on a Westjet flight to Vancouver for Christmas and I was completely caught off guard by the deliciousness of the Blueberry/Pomegranite bar. I am not much of a fruit-eater and it has always been difficult to get enough. I was so excited about the bar I tried that once I came home I immediately went out and bought a box - unfortunately I couldn't locate those exact bars. I see they're new and I hope to find them in my stores very soon!

Having once worked in a customer-service type industry, and having friends who work in upper levels of food and consumer-product industries, I know that most people only take the time to contact a company when they've got some complaining to do.

I have experimented with positive comments in the past and learned that about 50% of the time, you get a nice reaction. This was one of those times:

From: Sun-Rype Consumer Services
Subject: Sun-Rype Consumer Services Response
Date: The next day

Thank you for taking the time to visit our website. We appreciate consumer feedback and welcome the opportunity to address any questions or comments.

As a quality food and beverage manufacturer, Sun-Rype is committed to providing consumers with a wide variety of premium products. Consumer feedback is vital to our ongoing research and product development efforts. Blueberry Pomegranate is indeed our newest flavour in our Fruit Source line. As time goes on you will see it more readily available in your region.

We are taking this opportunity to forward you complimentary coupons by regular mail towards the purchase of any Sun-Rype product. These coupons can be used at most grocery stores in your region.

Once again, thanks for visiting our website. If you require any product information, please contact me directly.

Cindy Hazelton
SUN-RYPE PRODUCTS LTD.
Consumer Services Representative

Approximately ten days later I discovered a whopping six dollars in Sun-Rype coupons in my mail, along with a thank-you letter. I was astonished! How many companies do you know, honestly, who will offer such a thing for simply giving them a compliment?

Is there something sinister going on here that I am missing? Are they the evil druglord of the fruit world, trying to get me hooked? Do their coupons send a message saying, "Go ahead kid, try the fruit bar. Everybody's doing it."

Me: "...And you're telling me the first one is free?"

Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? All I can say is two Martini-thumbs way up for Sun-Rype, for their awesomely delicious products, and proving to the world that customer service is not dead. If there's a company out there you've had an excellent experience with, write to them. Say something positive and see what happens.

PC Bowl Splittage

Tired of a month's worth of plastic retardation, I decided to do something about it. I dusted off my letter-writing skills and, in the guise of a question, complained to President's Choice. My carefully-worded note was sneakily implanted with a genuine concern, and after waiting a solid 2 weeks, I finally received a reply to this:

Dear PC,
Is there a problem with the plastic bowls that the Beef Chili comes in? In the past month I've had 4 bowls split apart in the microwave. It doesn't matter if I lift one corner of the film or 3. The steam warps the plastic and splits the bowl apart, making it extremely difficult to pick up or carry. On one particular bowl, the crack went down so low that the chili was spilling out of it. Is the bowl design flawed? Or is there something I should be doing to avoid this? Thanks for your time, Martini

Their reply was corporate-standard, inconcise stupidity, and did not answer either of the three questions I posed. I can understand their desire not to admit to anything, as it might spawn some kind of class-action lawsuit. I was shocked to see how they attempted to buy me, because what they offered me was not a typical coupon for purchase replacement.
------------------

Dear Mr Martini,

Thank you for contacting us about our PC Chilli Bowl container. It was kind of you to take the time to email and we apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Your comments regarding the product have been forwarded to our Quality Assurance Department for their review. This is very important to us as we want to provide you with products of the highest standard.

Mr Martini, your feedback is very valuable. Could you please return to the original store of purchase with the product packaging and purchase receipt for an exchange or refund to be provided. In the event that you no longer have your receipt, please return the product packaging - as proof of purchase - to the store, quoting file number 713613 for a replacement by something else "of the same value" . The sample will be forwarded to the Head Office for further follow-up. Be assured that we are dedicated to upholding your trust in President's Choice and No Name products

Regards,
Customer Relations
President's Choice


So that is precisely what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring my grocery store a dirty, crusty, bacteria-infested plastic bowl with a giant crack in it. It's going to be awesome.

Fido Bites. Do I Need Rabies Shots?

One of the main reasons I don't stop to help when I see a vehicular accident is that I don't have a cell phone. I would not want to get involved, except to offer to call the police, who are experts at sorting these things out. No cell? I am of little use.

The reason I don't own a cell phone is due to a well-known company named Fido (aka Microcell Solutions). This is my Fido Fiasco.

A couple of years ago I did own a cell phone. It was fantastic for its time. It was black, and had all the buttons a regular phone has, plus a few more. But considering the incredible and sometimes ridiculous phone features these days, my Ericsson T18z was pretty bare bones. It did have a free "Fido" exclusive text message feature where I could recieve jokes or weather reports. When I signed up for this service, the reports never came. It wasn't a big deal, so I didn't care.

Fast Forward one year.

I started getting my weather reports, and it was an exciting day. Then I noticed my bill. This "Free" feature was costing me 10 cents every time I received a text message. I immediately cancelled this feature, not because I was cheap, but because I didn't like how Fido was cheating me out of a few extra cents.

But the text messages didn't stop. In fact, Fido started sending me some sort of promotional "Fido" text messages, and of course, charged me 10 cents for each one they sent me!

I called up Microcell Solutions and asked that they stop sending me text messages. I also asked that they credit me for the last few they sent. They obliged. I was happy, and thought my problem was over. I was wrong. The next month I was STILL receiving text messages. I phoned again, and had the text charges dropped for a 2nd time.

Month 3: More text messages, more 10-cent charges on my bill. Another phone call, and they promised me they would block my phone from receiving text messages. They dropped the text charges for a 3rd time.

Month 4: More text messages, more 10-cent charges. Phone call #4 was a bad one. I was angry. This time I asked for a supervisor. None were available. I asked for a manager. They were also unavailable. I was getting really fed up, so I said to the girl "fine, please cancel my phone service." She replied "I'm sorry I can't do that." I said "Yes you can. Cancel it right now." She became very angry and yelled at me, and told me to call a different phone number in order to cancel my service.

- the deal -


I called the number. The Fido representative was extremely sorry to hear of all my trouble with my bill, and with 'Heather'. He knew Heather, and he knew she was a hot-head. I told him I understood it was not his fault, but I wanted my service cancelled immediately because I refused to call their office again to correct my bills. He tried very hard to keep me as a customer, and offered me 3 months of free phone service. Three months? Hey, that's about $100! I accepted. I accepted, on the condition that I never receive any more text messages, as previously promised, and never get billed for them again.

Two months went by and each bill showed $0.00 as promised. I stopped receiving text messages as well.

When the bill came on the third month, I gave birth to a 17-pound cow. My bill stated $0.00 for phone serivce, plus a 15-cent penalty for not paying for my text messages.

Phone call, Paraphrased.
After 1 hour and 45 minutes on hold:
Fido: "Bonjour Microsell Solutions, how can I help you?"
Me: "Cancel my phone service immediately."
Fido: "I'm sorry, but can you tell me the reason you'd like to cancel?"
Me: "No. Cancel my phone service."
Fido: "But what reason are you cancelling for?"
Me: "Read my file, then cancel my phone service."
Fido: "Sir, can you please tell me why you are cancelling? I need to know a reason."
Me: "I'm sick of explaining the problem. I'm sure there are notes on my account."
Fido: "I see you preferred to receive no text messages."
Me: "Yes. Cancel my phone service."
Fido: "But sir..."
Me: "Cancel my phone service and get a manager on the phone."
Fido: "Hold on sir."
Manager: "Hello, I understand you're having a problem with your bill?"
Me: "I've been having a problem with my bill for 8 months. I'm sick of phoning every single month to have my bill corrected. Please cancel my phone service."
Manager: "I assure you we can resolve your problem."
Me: "No, you can't resolve the problem. You already tried and failed. Cancel my phone service."
Manager: "Sir, we don't want to lose a customer who has been with us as long as yo..."
Me: "Mmm-hmm. Cancel my phone service"
Manager: "Sir, if you'll..."
Me: "CANCEL. MY. PHONE. SERVICE. NOW."
Manager: "Yes, sir, I can take care of that for you."

A few minutes later, my account was cancelled. Then the manager asked me if I could send the phone back to them. Huh? I paid $75 for that phone! It was mine. And I told him that.

So, if you ever see me drive past you while you're trying to change four flat tires in the dark, you can blame it all on Fido.