Literal Shitty Taxes

I'M A MILLIONAIRE! Oh wait, that's a complete lie. Nevermind. I guess I'll start blogging again just as soon as I get my taxes out of the way.

Yeah, tax season. Fun stuff right? It is! When you know you're getting a refund, anyway. But what about when you have two very old cats? And what if those poor, wretched old jerks decided to barf and shit on everything you own? And what if that included all your tax documents?

Excrementy and vomity paperwork is difficult enough to deal with, but it's especially embarrassing when you have to give it all to your accountant. You know, because it's TAX SEASON.

How do you explain the brown smears to her? You can't just let her touch it... can you? And you certainly can't wash it off. Have you ever tried to wash paper? I'll let you in on a little secret. It doesn't work.

Okay, so there are two options. Option one is to keep your mouth shut and let her touch the number 2. Did I forget to mention it's not ordinary cat crap? No, kitty was having a bad day when she smeared her extraordinarily raunchy ass on our paperwork. This is the pinnacle of abominable bowel movements - diarrhea.

Despite the fact that my accountant is my cousin, and even though she herself has a number of cats and horses, that option just plain sucks. So I settled on option two. I took a pair of scissors and literally cut the brown spots out. Yup, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Cut that shit out!"

The Cadbury Secret

Cadbury has a secret. The Cadbury Creme Egg secret. And seeing as how this is Easter, what a perfect time to reveal it to everyone who reads my blog. So, yeah, we're talking six people.

Cadbury doesn't want you to know something about their creme eggs. Not all Cadbury Creme Eggs are created equal, and their staff will do anything to keep that knowledge from customers.

Last Easter I came across a giant bin of Yellow and Green foil-wrapped creme eggs at a dollar store. I was very confused. Okay, MORE confused than normal. I decided to write a letter:


To: 'consumer.relations@brandspeoplelove.com'
Subject: Inquiry About Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg.

Hello,
I am hoping someone can clear up some confusion about a product which may in fact be some scary Cadbury knock-off filled with all sorts of horrors. In Ontario there are stores selling a "Cadbury Creme Egg" which is not in the traditional red & blue foil. The colours are yellow and green. Does Cadbury wrap eggs in two different foils? Does Cadbury have special relations with Dollar Stores, selling a different colour of egg? Most importantly, is this a genuine Cadbury product? I am afraid to purchase it.

Thank you,
Martini


At first it does not appear that Cadbury's customer relations reply was miserable. However, upon discovering the truth, part in thanks to Wikipedia, and part in thanks to what happened afterward, I can confidently say this reply was a massive lie wrapped in a canned letter, oozing with marketing propaganda.


From: consumer.relations@brandspeoplelove.com
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:00 PM
Subject: Your Inquiry About Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg. #001153330A

Dear Mr. Martini:

Thank you for contacting us about Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg. Your comments and inquiries are appreciated because they provide valuable feedback about our brands.

The wrapper on our Cadbury Creme Egg has not been changed. It is still a red and blue foil wrapper. The other product that you mentioned is not one of our products.

Cadbury has been making great brands that people love for more than 200 years. We are proud of our family of confectionery products and are committed to providing a wide range of choices for all individuals.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope that you will continue to purchase and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,
Consumer Relations

According to Wikipedia, this customer service representative just flat-out lied to me. Apparently Hershey is licenced to make and distribute the delectable Creme Eggs, and often wraps them in green and yellow foil. See the entry here.

I decided to write another letter to Cadbury, but I did not divulge what I knew. I wanted to see if they would correct their error, or call my bluff. Read my letter below, and then try to guess Cadbury's response.


Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:06 PM
To: 'consumer.relations@brandspeoplelove.com'
Subject: RE: Your Inquiry About Cadbury Creme Egg Foil Wrapped Egg. #001153330A

Thank you for the information. However, it strikes me odd that you are not interested in the details about this Cadbury knock-off which is using your company name on their product, quite possibly affecting your reputation. If you are this nonchalant about other companies illegally using your company image and name, how can we trust Cadbury? How many other products out there are illegitimate Cadbury rip-offs?

Cadbury's response was deplorable. Their customer service is so terrible, so irresponsible, that they refused to reply to my inquiry. They wrote nothing back to me. I bet you didn't see that coming.

So, my question is, why would they ignore me? Were they embarrassed to admit they lied or made a mistake? It certainly can't be the fact that they're hiding the Hershey Creme Egg secret - it's on Wikipedia for all the world to see. So what other reason might they have?

Perhaps another letter is in order.

DeLorean Damage

Know what's funny? Jerks. Know why? Because they make great stories. Like the jerk I met recently while I was fueling up.

Had I followed the advice this stranger offered me, I would have ended up with the worst, scratched-up DeLorean this side of Freddy Krueger. Why? Because he didn't know what he was talking about.

And what's worse, he claimed to be a former DeLorean owner.

So what did Mr. Bullshit tell me? After first complimenting me on the car, he then told me how he knew all about them, because he owned one back when they were new. Then he started talking to me about "all those scratches everywhere." I didn't quite understand what he was talking about, but I mentioned that yes, there were a few scratches on it when I bought it.

But that wasn't what he meant. He ran his finger down the grain of the steel and told me it should look like a mirror; that there should not be ANY scratches on the stainless steel anywhere.

He knows, because he used to own one.

I asked him if he was talking about the grain in the steel. And I told him that there should, in fact, be those lines, because it was brushed stainless steel. But he argued further, telling me emphatically that there should be no lines whatsoever.

Now I was almost laughing. I decided to just play along, and thought maybe I'd get out of the gas station before the sun went down and the Vampires bit our necks, making our absurd argument eternal.

He told me to rub oil all over the body panels circularly with a pumice stone. I enthusiastically agreed this sounded like a good idea and that I'd give it a try. As I slipped down into my driver's seat laughing at this horrible, DMC-destroying suggestion, he clamoured up into his Jeep.

His parting words were how he and all his jerk-friends were into Porsches and Ferraris now. Yep, he knows what he's talking about because he's into Porsches and Ferraris. As if the lowly DeLorean is beneath him now.

What would have been really cool is if he were beneath my DeLorean as I drove away.