Six Cracker Challenge

Krevin is a bad influence on me, but I just can't seem to resist his scruffy charm and his various challenges. When asked to consider the "Six Cracker Challenge" I tried to resist, but instead succumbed to Krevin's adorable scruff and abominable eating habits.

The Six Cracker Challenge is not for the weak. In fact, it's not for anybody, as it is pretty much impossible. The goal is to eat 6 salted Premium Plus crackers in 60 seconds. I thought it sounded pretty easy. I was pretty wrong.

Before I began the challenge, Krevin told of his official record - 1 minute and 7 seconds. I made a mental note that this translated to 67 seconds, then cleared my head. Concentration was the key, especially with half a dozen spectators.

"GO!" said some guy with a watch. I shoved the first cracker in my mouth and instantly knew I had failed. My mouth dried up faster than something that was already dry before the challenge began. But I pushed on, ramming two more crackers into my mouth, and declaring that this challenge was "imbothible."

I could barely chew, and the 60 seconds was almost up. With the absurdity of the struggle everyone began to laugh, including myself. The entire scene was hilarious from almost any perspective: me in baby bib, trying to simply eat some crackers.... really really fast. I choked for a second during a simultaneous mid-laugh-mid-swallow, and clogged my nose with cracker mush. I was disqualified after firing cracker snot balls out of my nose, instead of swallowing everything.

It didn't matter. I didn't have a chance. My saliva glands just couldn't handle the abuse of the Mr. Christie's Weapons of Mass Dryness. I suppose someone would have to have an overproductive saliva gland in order to get through this gruelling challenge. Either that or a throat of steel. Swallowing dry crackers, painfully, was an option, but my throat just wasn't strong enough to force them through.

Krevin became excited by all the action and decided to try and break his record. Two at a time he shoved them into his eating hole until he could shove no more. 67 seconds came and went, but Krevin was still chewing, albeit a lot slower.

Who dares take on the Six-Cracker-Challenge? Any results posted in comments become the property of DMC & ME and I may assume any and all records as my own.