Drive-In Movie Madness

One summer night, between my last year of high school and my first year of college, I witnessed a drive-in movie screening of the worst movie ever made in the history of moviedom: Baby's Day Out.

The movie was so moronic that it actually infurated me to the point that I had to get out of the van, go to the washrooms and smash my head against the concrete wall, which was a billion times more fun and a billion times less painful than watching John Hughes' creation.

Thankfully I did not gouge my eyes out with forks that evening, which would have disabled my vision, and thus, not allowed me to watch the late night feature: True Lies.

That was 12 long years ago. I'm happy to report that the Drive-In theatre has survived, however, the calibre of movie being made by Hollywood has not improved.

Last week I ran into our old next-door neighbour. We only spent an hour catching up, but a lot of ground was covered. Listen, I know this might seem boring to you, but stop whining and keep reading. There is a point to this and here it comes: Her boyfriend, whom we had only met a couple of times, owns all of the drive-in theatres in the Toronto GTA and a few beyond. He is in the middle of converting our nearby drive-in to a multi-screen drive-in theatre. They were looking for some honest opinions on the condition of the theatre, and gave Suz and I a complimentary pass in exchange for our observations.

We arrived at the drive-in around 9:20 p.m for a triple showing. 3 movies? Madness! Approximately 5 minutes later the first movie began. Although Owen Wilson is an annoying knob, You, Me and Dupree was extremely amusing and receives one medium-sized thumb up. Had someone like Steve Martin replaced Owen Wilson as Dupree, I'm confident that I would have given the film two medium-sized thumbs up.

The second movie of the evening, which I was looking forward to the most, was difficult to watch. No, not because of fogged-up windows, but because it was so incredibly boring. Miami Vice had no style, no suspense, no great music, no emotion, no feeling at all. I felt dead watching it. Michael Mann did a fabulous job making Miami Vice so boring and lifeless.

At least a quarter of the movie was filmed with a shaking Handycam. I suppose this was supposed to make it feel more gritty and raw, but in actuality, it made the film feel cheap. Kind of like a really, really bad episode of COPS where your mom gets arrested for stealing cheese in her night gown.

More disappointment is coming your way if you were a fan of the character Tubbs, as he's barely in the movie for 15 minutes. Crockett is the focus. And it is a boring focus. This suspenseless movie will have you shaking your head, wondering how it ever got the green light. Michael Mann, if you are reading this, TAKE A FILM CLASS, PLEASE.

Sorry. Heat was great. Collateral was great. Miami Vice made me wish I was still watching You, Me and Dupree.

We would have loved to stay for the final feature: The Break Up, but Miami Vice drained us of all our energy. We were zombies and all we wanted to do was go home, fall asleep and try to forget what we just watched. Or didn't watch. I don't know because nothing happened.