Blue Bearded Iris

In our garden we have some monster irises. Our bearded irises are a blue, a standard iris colour, and they are tall. Taller than you.

Apparently the Siberian variety is easier to grow than the bearded kind, but, even though my experience with them is limited, I'd have to disagree. Our Bearded irises are growing out of control. We can't stop them, and if their steroid-fuelled growth continues, we'll soon be homeless.

With one bloom on the stalk, our irises have been standing strong, but that single bloom soon had some company. Two more blooms joined that original bloom as the weather became hotter. With a crazed, drunken bloom party taking place on our front lawn, the stalks could no longer support the weight, making many of our irises fall flat on the ground just like drunken college kids. Or me at Halloween.

Literature states that irises grow as short as 4 inches, with some varieties reaching up to around 28 inches. The tallest iris will grow to an amazing height of just over 1 meter. One meter is 39 inches.

If that is true, our irises are flowering freaks of nature, with a whopping 53-and-a-half inches average height. That's over a foot taller than the tallest irises, according to experts. That's like, three juice boxes, a stack of around 20 Oreo cookies, or four Big Macs! Like, whoa! Damn crazy irises.

I pledge my allegiance to our new world leaders. Please don't eat me, blue bearded iris.