Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Acupuncture Test

Acupuncture doesn't work on balloons.Those brilliant Chinese folks use tiny drops of water to torture people, yet they stab you with tons of needles to relieve your pain. Seems a little backwards.... no?

I experienced acupuncture the other day. But this was only a test to see if my body would react properly to the needles.

Before they inserted the needles, they has to test me to see if I was a magician. I checked the "No" box, but I guess they can't just take your word for it.

I was forced to walk across a bed of nails, which stabbed my feet quite horribly. The doc concluded acupuncture needles would work on my non-magician skin-type. He then inserted 10 needles, five in each foot.

Side effects of acupuncture include nausea, vomiting, irregular heartbeat, passing out, increased pain instead of decreased pain, and the slight posibility of contracting HIV. Oh, and your tears turning to acid and your eyeballs exploding. Yeah, almost forgot about that.

Luckily I didn't need acupuncture in my eyes. I needed it in my feet.

I've had some sort of foot problem for about 3 years now. I've seen 7 foot specialists since this excruciating pain first developed around 2002. And if you don't believe the pain is that real, ask Fortino's if you can view their security tape of me, bawling my eyes out as I crawl out the exit doors.

From all of the specialists I've visited, all the x-rays I've had, all the blood tests and the bone-scans, one thing has become clear. I'm a medical mystery.

Every doctor has disagreed with the previous doctors, and each one has diagnosed me with something different. But that is to be expected. Every restaurant will claim they have the best food, every car company will claim they build the best vehicles, so it's only natural for each doctor to diagnose me within the scope of their knowledge.

But here's the most confusing part. Every attempt to cure my pain has only resulted in increased pain. And so, as a last resort to rid my feet of this pain, I'm now having needles painfully jabbed into me.

Acupuncture doesn't cure anything. What it does is release endorphins, which block the pain. It's called pain management.

The sports injury and Chinese medicine specialist I'm seeing now will continue to pierce my flesh with needles while conducting some more indepth testing to determine what is actually wrong with my feet.

Normal treatments only make my pain worse, which is the opposite of what is supposed to happen. So now I'm trying the opposite of Western medicine: Chinese medicine.


Blogger ms. creek said...

if you wouldn't clamp down your jaws when your foot is in your mouth, the pain is much less severe.

6:09:00 PM

Blogger Princess Lo said...

i have always wanted to try that! so does it help at all?

1:13:00 AM

Blogger Rainypete said...

If treatment aggravates the situation, then loginc would dictate that injury would aid it. I'll come over and jump on you rfeet if you want. No charge!

10:03:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

As soon as benefits stop covering my charges, I'll come to your place Pete. I could pay you in good times and camaraderie.

Lo - It only works if you have it done 2 or 3 times a week. So, when I get back from Punta Cana, and resume my treatments, I'll let you know.

3:58:00 PM

Blogger Jed said...

I am quite sure that your acupuncturist sucks if they are selling you the endorphin bit... that is true, but there are other significant chemical changes, and much, much that has yet to be understood. I wonder what their Chinese medicine credentials are... there are some things that hurt, true, but, for an extreme example, some doctors can make even a prostate exam relatively painless. Acupuncture doesn't have to hurt. find another doctor who agrees, and you'll get results.

7:25:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH MAN! I'd PAY MONEY for that security tape...

what's the number for Fortinos.. do yuo have a date? They may ask me for the date of the tape...

11:53:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Jed - My acupuncture treatment didn't hurt. "...painfully jabbed into me" was just to make the story more amusing. Sorry for misleading.

My doc had 2 degrees that I can remember. One from McMaster for Sports Injury/Rehabilitation, and the one specific to acupuncture was from the University of Toronto. It was written half in Chinese, so I don't know exactly what it said.

He explained both Eastern and Western views on acupuncture, and I took from that what I wanted.

1:50:00 PM

Blogger Adam said...

Why don't you try other Chinese medicines like ground up tiger teeth and mercury tablets?!

10:04:00 AM

Blogger Major Marburger said...

I'm sorry about your first experience with acupuncture. Acupuncture treats numerous types of disorders, like high blood pressure, migraine, stress and many more. However, it doesn't cure serious medical conditions. Have your feet checked by experts first, and see if acupuncture is what you actually need. If so, find the right acupuncture clinic with licensed therapist. I hope that the painful feeling from your feet is now okay. Keep safe!

Mittag Holistic Chiropractic

11:58:00 AM


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