Acupuncture Test

Those brilliant Chinese folks use tiny drops of water to torture people, yet they stab you with tons of needles to relieve your pain. Seems a little backwards.... no?

I experienced acupuncture the other day. But this was only a test to see if my body would react properly to the needles.

Before they inserted the needles, they has to test me to see if I was a magician. I checked the "No" box, but I guess they can't just take your word for it.

I was forced to walk across a bed of nails, which stabbed my feet quite horribly. The doc concluded acupuncture needles would work on my non-magician skin-type. He then inserted 10 needles, five in each foot.

Side effects of acupuncture include nausea, vomiting, irregular heartbeat, passing out, increased pain instead of decreased pain, and the slight posibility of contracting HIV. Oh, and your tears turning to acid and your eyeballs exploding. Yeah, almost forgot about that.

Luckily I didn't need acupuncture in my eyes. I needed it in my feet.

I've had some sort of foot problem for about 3 years now. I've seen 7 foot specialists since this excruciating pain first developed around 2002. And if you don't believe the pain is that real, ask Fortino's if you can view their security tape of me, bawling my eyes out as I crawl out the exit doors.

From all of the specialists I've visited, all the x-rays I've had, all the blood tests and the bone-scans, one thing has become clear. I'm a medical mystery.

Every doctor has disagreed with the previous doctors, and each one has diagnosed me with something different. But that is to be expected. Every restaurant will claim they have the best food, every car company will claim they build the best vehicles, so it's only natural for each doctor to diagnose me within the scope of their knowledge.

But here's the most confusing part. Every attempt to cure my pain has only resulted in increased pain. And so, as a last resort to rid my feet of this pain, I'm now having needles painfully jabbed into me.

Acupuncture doesn't cure anything. What it does is release endorphins, which block the pain. It's called pain management.

The sports injury and Chinese medicine specialist I'm seeing now will continue to pierce my flesh with needles while conducting some more indepth testing to determine what is actually wrong with my feet.

Normal treatments only make my pain worse, which is the opposite of what is supposed to happen. So now I'm trying the opposite of Western medicine: Chinese medicine.