Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

How To Replace Your Battery...

Napa = crappa.

...In The Dark, in 20 easy steps!
WARNING: This should only be attempted in the middle of winter.

Step 1. Make sure you have your replacement battery with you, along with all your tools.

Step 2. Ensure that your car is parked in the darkest possible place, and aimed away from any light source. When you open your hood, it should cast a slight shadow over your already dark engine bay.

Step 3. Disconnect your old battery starting with the Negative side. It will be pretty difficult, so make sure you use a long screwdriver to pry the connectors off the terminals, and create lots of sparks. The sparks will help you see what you're doing.

Step 4. Remove the battery tie-down (circled in purple) with your socket wrench. Mine was 10mm. Yours could be 10mm as well. It could also be any other size.

Step 5. Remove your Trust aluminum strut tower brace (green arrows) which is blocking the exit route of your battery. Note that your strut brace may be made by other companies, such as WonderBread, Tommy Hilfiger or Johnson & Johnson.

Step 6. Lift your old battery out.

Step 7. Carefully drop your new battery in, with the positive terminal on the wrong side.

Step 8. Remove your new battery, turn it around, and drop it in place a second time, ensuring that you trap the negative wire beneath it.

Step 9. Pull on the negative wire as hard as you can, until you realize the flesh on your hands will rip off before the wire is going to budge.

Step 10. Remove your new battery again, and free up the negative wire.

Step 11. Drop your new battery back in, this time trapping the battery tie-down.

Step 12. Remove your new battery once more, and move the battery tie-down.

Step 13. Angrily force your new battery back in for the final time.

Step 14. Connect the negative wire to the negative terminal, and tighten with your socket wrench.

Step 15. Attempt to connect the positive wires to the positive terminal. Burn your finger with lots of big sparks as you pull the wires over the terminal.

Step 16. Tighten with your socket wrench.

Step 17. Tighten your battery tie-down using your socket wrench.

Step 18. Reconnect your strut tower brace, otherwise your steering will be spongy and ugly, and people in minvans and UPS trucks will taunt your poor cornering abilities.

Step 19. Close your hood.

Step 20. Start your car.

Congratulations! You have successfully replaced your car battery in the dark. Give yourself a pat on the back*.

*If you've done the job properly, as described above, your back should be aching.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It aches already. Should I just give up and go to a mechanic?

What size battery should I get? That looks bigger than D-Cell.

Don't the lugnuts get involved somehow?

1:46:00 PM

Blogger ms. creek said...

or just "play" the helpless female and cry out for help!

2:33:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Jodster, I think you've lost your lugnuts. But yeah, for a 3-cylinder Metro, all you need is one D-cell battery.

2:46:00 PM

Anonymous Marmar hater said...

marmar i don't know what you wrote because i couldn't read it because me and grand master T have been having some drinks. She is dancing like a crazy fool and taking my elastic. Anyways you know that i am white and i am right and i won't pop a cap in your ass.
luv ya bitch....and by bitch i mean you.

1:13:00 AM

Anonymous Shelley said...

Yo bitch, what up?

Grand Master T here hangin with ma bitch MarMar Hater. She is white...and ALL RIGHT if you know what I mean. By all right I mean she has a nice ass. I be black and that's whack and I'm gonna get me a piece of that shiiit tonight...you know? Slammin'!!!


1:16:00 AM

Anonymous Jerry Macguire said...

That's how you become great. Hang your balls out there.


1:32:00 AM

Blogger Rainypete said...

I am disappointed there was no hammer or beer involved. That is nothing like my auto repair sessions. I would simply duct tape the new battery in a place where it would fit and just use jumper cables to extend the battery leads to fit.

7:48:00 AM

Blogger ms. creek said...

or you should have had Suz change it out! I'm sure that would have been much easier!

8:49:00 AM

Blogger ms. creek said...

happy new years, martini.....

11:52:00 PM


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