Jimmy Dillnuts Has a Daughter

I've discovered that it's not just Jimmy who keeps smashing into people on our streets, roads, lanes, avenues, boulevards, and highways. He has a daughter named Jill.

Jill Dillnuts is only 18. Like most 18-year-old girls, Jill loves skrunchies, vodka, Clive Owen, and talking. She was talking, and not watching the road when she rear-ended my co-worker earlier this week. Ah, the Dillnuts' trademark - sneak up from behind, and rear-end unsuspecting motorists.

When I was 18 Jimmy's grandma rear-ended me while I sat behind a school bus that was dropping off little kids. Grandma Dillsack was her name. I felt kinda bad for her, even though it was me who had the hearing damage. My ears were ringing from the sound of the accident. The last sound I remembered hearing was an explosion of shattering glass as my head was forced back into the headrest. But it was her car that took all the damage. Her grille was cracked, pieces of metal and plastic were falling from beneath her car, but nobody had a broken window. The 1981 Olds Cutlass I was driving suffered no damage to the chrome bumper. And the mystery of the broken glass was never solved.

I surveyed the damage while Grandma Dillsack explained to me that her brakes were brand new, and she didn't understand why they didn't work. I pointed to her 20-foot skidmarks and said "good thing you were wearing Depends."

But nobody was hurt, so I told her not to worry about it, and I drove home. I can only assume that Grandma Dillsack also drove home, raised her son Jimmy, and taught him the fine art of rear-ending, and getting off the hook.