Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Bag Juice

Mmm, that is one good-lookin' bag. Of juice you perv!

I had an accident at work yesterday. Not the kind of accident that leaves you fingerless, but the kind that leaves you humiliated. This accident was four days in the making.

It all started on the weekend, when our favourite grocery store didn't have any juice boxes in stock. Orange juice? Sold out. Apple juice? Gone. Five Alive? Yeah, right. All forms of juice box drinks were completely sold out.

So we bought bags. Yep, stupid Del Monte juice bags. I hate them.

At lunch I tried to push my straw into the bag of juice. It was nearly impossible in comparison with Tetra paks. With Tetra paks (the grown-up term for juice boxes), you simply use your murderous Freddy Krueger instincts to stab the hole at the top of the box. Your reward is delicious juice.

Bags are different. Even the straws are different. They're thin and weak and bend easily. I hate them.

After struggling for a ridiculous amount of time with the sack of juice and anorexically fragile straw made from inferior plastic, Suz suggested I squeeze the bag a little bit, then pop the straw in. I thought this was a brilliant idea. Except I squeezed a little too hard. The straw went in with no problem, straight down into the juice.

The juice, aided by my squeezing of the bag, shot straight up through the straw like a fountain. It squirted all over my shirt and my pants for like, 10 minutes. And, with my awesome luck, it landed in a most appropriate spot for jokes.

It was surprisingly easy to convince One Useless Man, Jodster, to snap a photo of my groinal region for my blog. He's just that good of a friend. At least, I hope that's the reason.

Anyway, I can't wait to go grocery shopping again. I want my juice boxes.


Blogger Rainypete said...

Yeah, friendly crotch photography. More likely your naughty bits are currently posted all over some website like myjuicycrotch.com

12:58:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, I'm the domain owner of myjuicycrotch.com

It only has one model...

3:28:00 PM

Blogger Ellie Creek Ellis said...

umm, are men considered useless BECAUSE of their crotch or am i totally confused, lmao.

4:22:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

What?!? That wasn't in my contract.... I want royalties!

6:39:00 PM

Blogger Unknown said...

Well if it had been beetroot juice...

1:49:00 AM

Blogger Vengelyne said...

Funny how the first thing I noticed definitely wasn't the stain. Lol.

You're just trying to get more readers by using a sexually subtle way, aren't you? ;-)

5:35:00 AM

Blogger Monogram Queen said...

Bwaaa haaaa I love crotch shots!

I HATE juice bags too and my kid ALWAYS wants them. Always. Ugh.

8:52:00 AM

Blogger TheatreChick73 said...

They still make juice bags?

11:23:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Venge - you're funny! ...and smart.

Jodster wanted me to indicate that he took the "money shot" for this post, and now he's standing behind me intimidating me. I don't know what this comment means. I have to go now. I'm being escorted into "the studio"..... bye.

3:57:00 PM

Blogger Useless Man said...

"sexually subtle way"?

It's have to be subtle. I've seen him in the change room!

4:08:00 PM

Blogger Ham said...

At least it wasn't chocolate. I can count on hands and feet how many times I've been eating delicious milky goodness and have not notice that a piece has gone missing until, 2 days later and still wearing the same jeans, I happen to check out my own butt.

I have also melted myself to the couch.

The moral of the story: change your pants and look at your ass at least once a day.

8:17:00 PM

Blogger honkeie said...

You still take jucie to work....come on now.....real men bring beer!

12:38:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

I suppose I could slip a little something into my orange juice, changing it into a screwdriver. I'm not saying I do that, I'm just saying I could. :)

1:51:00 PM


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