The DeLorean Crash Test

"The DeLorean proved to be a very well designed vehicle in terms of allowing a relatively great amount of front end crush without adversely compromising the survival space in the compartment." -NHTSA

Here we go again! Yet another bonehead has found this old DeLorean crash-test video and I can't stop laughing. The authors' editorial on the impact and on the car itself is erroneous to the point of hilarity.

The comments are SO asinine I'm not even going to put the link to the article because this idiot should not be receiving more traffic. But if you're curious, it was posted January 10 on Bangshift.com. If this posting is indicative of the level of intelligence Bangshift.com employs, I urge you to stay far, far away.

Yes, yes, opinions! Everyone is entitled! Unfortunately many a DeLorean author has formed an opinion having never even set eyes on one. More often than not, they regurgitate incorrect specs and compare the DeLorean to modern cars rather than their 1981 counterparts. Always an amateur thing to do.

The video is old. A total geezer. It has been discussed for years. If you haven't seen it don't watch it like Brian did, full of hate. Watch objectively.

There is a lot of competition but the title, "...fold up like a wet cardboard box", is possibly the most foolish remark. I almost feel sorry for Brian, who doesn't understand crumple zones or, more likely, any sort of basic automotive engineering. I truly feel bad for this dunce who sees wet paper where most see the car crumpling as it was designed.

Because this is the higher 40-mph test it's difficult to compare to other early 80s crash-tests. Most are the more common 30 and 35 mph tests. Regardless, the NHTSA report declares the 40-mph test a success.

Here's the simple truth: the DeLorean was designed to crumple in a crash. By engineers. Engineers are generally considered to be pretty smart. Guys who write shit on the internet? Not so much (Look Mom! I'm on the internet. I'm writing in my blog! Look! MOM! LOOK AT ME!).

Keeping Firemen Busy

On Saturday night we travelled to Toronto to have a nice dinner with our friend Tonton, following the directions spoken by our sweet silver NAV-U GPS, which we've dubbed "Lady". And yes, the Styx song routinely gets sung whenever we say her name.

Anyway, about ¾ of the way there I noticed a fire engine in my rearview, lights blazing.

I've never had a fire engine blast up my rear end on a six-thousand lane highway, so I wasn't sure what to do. Some people were pulling over, while others were slowing down. I was in the middle and had nowhere to go, so I slowed down and let the truck pass me.

Within 3 seconds, literally, the fire engine (A) stopped in front of us, partially blocking our view of the accident and the tow truck (B) who, not-surprisingly, greedily arrived at the scene first.

It would seem that Jimmy Dillnuts, driving a VW Golf this time, decided he didn't want to use his brake pedal, and gave a Nissan Murano his patented move - a good butt-ramming. From what I could see as I rubbernecked, the Golf suffered extreme damage to the hood and bumper area while the Nissan was relatively unscathed.

After dinner with Tonton, we sped through the downtown in his diesel Golf, and landed at the trendy Foundation Room. It was dope. When we left I snapped this picture of a Chrysler 300C whose owner decided parking on the sidewalk was trendy.

Toronto. I should go there more often. I'll get great accident photos because the entire Dillnuts family must live there.

Spring Crash #2, in F Major

Incredible as it may seem, Jimmy Dillnuts cannot be stopped. It doesn't matter where you drive, be it city streets, quiet neighbourhoods or the highway. You will not escape Jimmy.

With her shit-ass 1 megapixel camera phone, my sister caught the devastation of Jimmy Dillnuts following in the wake of Saturday's accident. Yesterday morning she emailed this picture to me.

The Saturn Ion, or Hyundai Accent, or whatever the gosh darn heck this little silver wreckage is, appears to be another victim of the carnage-hungry Jimmy Dillnuts.

The vehicle is missing at least one front wheel, as you can see from the way the front of the car sits much, much lower than the back of the car. The engine compartment is munch-city, the hood is dented and the bumper has a scratch.

Firemen were busy at work here, earning the money they will use to buy their bacon bits for their fancy salads. As one fireman pulled the bodies of the dead midgets from the trunk another swept the sand they use to absorb the blood from the highway. Blood, you see is slippery, and the police don't want other motorists to slide in the blood and cause another crunchy accident.

In order to stop accidents like this, police should be more strict in the suspension of people's licenses. Following a second incident, idiot drivers should be electronically tagged and monitored. On the third offense, they should be swatted on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and have pickled eggs popped up their butts.

Unless, of course, they like that kind of thing.

A Fresh Spring Crash

On Saturday night I was meeting some friends from college for a dinner, followed by drunken Guesstures and deep conversations about ear wax and its incredible healing properties.

I was on my way to the restaurant when I encountered a familiar sight. That rapscallion Jimmy Dillnuts somehow got his licence back, and was on another destructive rampage.

Police directed traffic away from the accident while firefighters and witnesses stared at the wreckage of the black Mercedes. They were probably amazed that it suffered so much more crumplage than the plastic Cavalier which was also involved in the crash.

I could tell the cop directing traffic wanted to beat my ass for being so insensitive about the situation - so I avoided him by crouching on some stairs in order to take pictures.

I thought it rather humourous, and ironic, when I saw this sign in the background (on the right). I giggled a little bit, then turned around and headed back to my car.

That's when I ran into trouble. All of the occupants of the crunked vehicles were standing outside the restaurant where I had parked. The intense, angry stares were nearly enough to make me smash my own camera. Just kidding. But the daggers they shot at me were truly vicious.

I ducked as I sped away, causing no less than seventeen accidents as I made my slow, hybrid-style escape. At least the police and fire crews were handy.

Jimmy Dillnuts: Luxury Slamajama

After a 5-month hiatus, Jimmy Dillnuts, idiot driver extraordinaire, is back in the news.

Snuggled down in the DeLorean's cozy leather seats, Suz and I were driving up to my parents place for a BBQ when we saw the mess on Sunday. Ah Sunday. That ominous day.

Noticing a vehicular diversion around an unknown obstruction, I anticipated an accident and whipped out my Sony. Suz is always worried when I bring my camera to my eye. She thinks that people will see us taking pictures and get upset. But I am convinced that the crowd is too preoccupied with the accident to notice what I am doing. Plus I just don't care.

I can't explain my obsession with accidents, but my twisted mind has always enjoyed the bent and crinkled metal and the emotions of the people involved. It's so real.

In the distance, through my lens I could see a gathering of people on the right. They seemed to be discussing the accident, which was directly in the middle of the lane. Nobody was crying. Nobody was screaming.

In my opinion, it was the ninny in the Mercedes who was at fault. The Maxima which plowed into the driver's side of the Mercedes was clearly on the road, travelling in a forward direction. The Mercedes was quite obviously pulling out from a little roadlet that intersected the main road.

It was the pulling out of the Mercedes which caused the T-bone action to take place. The Maxima suffered a munched front-end and some hood-bendage while the Mercedes was victim to metal crumplage, hood popage and a broken wheel.

Did I experience some good timing on Sunday? I wonder if I had been 5 minutes earlier, if I'd be crying over my DeLorean instead of eating yummy cobs of corn.

Weapon Of Choice - Grand AM

Jimmy Dillnuts has not been in the news lately, which meant, for a brief moment, we all had a bright future. However, that future abruptly ended when Jimmy's mom, Darla Dillnuts, rear-ended some pour soul who was stopped at a red light on Tuesday.

Rear-ending. The family trademark.

I snapped a shot on my way to work. Darla was just emerging from her Pontiac and surveying the damage when I sped by with my camera in hand. Only Darla's Grand AM is visible here, so you'll have to take my word for it that the victim's Hyundai suffered approximately in the same way the Grand AM did.

The last accident caused by the Dillnuts family was much worse, and resulted in a few victims being taken to hospital. Jimmy was charged by the police, and Suz, as a witness to the carnage, was summoned to court to make a statement.

I can't help but wonder if the Dillnuts family finds some sort of pleasure in their rear-ending actions, or if they are just a family of brain-dead inbred Canucks who simply get lost en route to the beer store. Somehow they find their way into the city, panic, and in their terror-induced frenzy begin rear-ending anything in sight.

Kind of like a cornered bull.

However, I am just hypothesizing, as I've never had a conversation with any of the Dillnuts clan. I've only watched from a safe distance as they work out their frustrations on the city's denizens.

I believe that every time a Dillnuts is born, insurance rates go up. Raised in muddy tracts of land, each generation is taught the fine art of smash-up derbys, and presume every car on the road is an appropriate target.

Let's say goodbye to the Dillnuts family. Let's put a stop to high insurance rates... the same way the government puts a stop to mad cow disease.

Going To Court!

Jimmy Dillnuts, arch-enemy of law-abiding drivers everywhere, has been charged! And Suz has to go to court in April, as a material witness to his devastating driving habits which left three vehicles crumpled, broken and smashed, and a young girl with a broken collarbone.

Oh happy day!

Suz will make a statement, describing the destruction caused by Jimmy's careless driving. I'd like to call it wreckless driving, but that's not what he was charged with.

The police have charged Jimmy Dillnuts with Careless Driving and Failure To Surrender Licence.

Failure to Surrender Licence means that either Jimmy didn't have it on him, or he actually refused to hand it over to the officer requesting it. Jimmy claims that the light was yellow, and that all of the pedestrians and vehicles in the intersection should not have been there.

Suz, stopped at the red light that Jimmy ran, estimated his velocity at double the posted limit of 50 kph. But he claims he wasn't speeding. His screeching tires, and the annihiliation of the three vehicles say otherwise.

Sorry Jim, your story has more holes than swiss cheese.

If I were a police officer, I would have charged Jimmy with Jackass Driving, and Being Stupid and Ugly. Then I would track down the idiot who passed him on his driving test and charge him with Taking Bribes, because there's no possible way someone on the straight and narrow would issue a driver's licence to an idiot like Mr. Dillnuts.

In all seriousness though, people who are convicted of traffic offenses should have their licences suspended. I am a strong believer that some people will never learn, and, depending on the seriousness of the accident, I think there are people who don't deserve a second chance.

Especially liars.

Merry Christmas Jimmy Dillnuts!

Jimmy Dillnuts doesn't deserve a Merry Christmas, but something tells me he's gonna have one anyway. Jimmy has caused lots of trouble before, but he always seems to escape the jail time and license-suspension he so rightfully deserves.

Although it's not possible to see the damage in this picture, be assured that it is there. Something large, approximately human-sized, crashed through the windshield of this Toyota or non-Toyota car in Toronto.

The accident happened about 60 seconds before Suz & I arrived at the scene. The emergency vehicles were still passing us on the shoulder as we approached. Worker McDude was just starting to drop the orange pylons on the road when I took this picture.

We slowly merged with the three other lanes of traffic, and squeezed past this scene. A quick glace back at the car verified my suspicion that something large, belonging to one Jimmy Dillnuts, elegantly entered the car via the centre of the windshield, and injured the driver.

But maybe I've got Jimmy all wrong.

I didn't realize just how thoughtful Jimmy is, giving his fellow humans some relaxing Hospital time during this very hectic Christmas season. What a wonderful gesture. A comfy, adjustable bed, free food, being waited on by a courteous staff of servants. Talk about generosity!

I'm so sorry I misjudged! Merry Christmas Jimmy Dillnuts! Merry freakin' Christmas.

Jimmy Dillnuts, You Rascal

We had a visit from the Police on the weekend, all thanks to the wreckless driving of one Jimmy Dillnuts. This time, Jimmy is in hot water.

On Saturday my wife, Suz, was eyewitness to Jimmy's reign of destruction. Unfortunately I was not in the car with her, and I therefore did not get any pictures of the carnage.

Although a day early (Jimmy Dillnuts always seems to cause accidents on Sundays), Jimmy still came through with flying colours.

The scene: Suz stopped at a red light with Jimmy Dillnuts hot on her tail. Jimmy didn't seem to like the fact that Suz obeys the law. Multiple eyewitnesses declared that he accelerated up to approximately 100 kph (double the posted limit) and swerved around her. By the time he got to the red lights, two boys were already halfway across the street, walking in the crosswalk. Other cars were already in the middle of the intersection, waiting for the two boys to cross so they could make their left-hand turns.

Jimmy didn't care.

He blasted right past the boys, narrowly missing them. He plowed straight into the car turning left, and sent it flying into another car sitting at a red light on the opposite side of the intersection. When all three vehicles came to rest, people were screaming, people were crying.

People came upon the scene and asked "what happened?" and "whose fault was this?" Everybody pointed to the red Ford Explorer and said "That guy ran the red." Even Jimmy's parents stumbled upon the accident and were thoroughly embarrassed by these answers.

Victims of Jimmy's lunacy were taken by Ambulance to local hospitals. When the area was clear, Suz gave her name to police, and came home.

A few hours later a police officer came to visit us, in order to get a written statement from Suz. She wrote the details down on the form provided by the officer. He read her description, and asked her some questions. She answered the questions.

The police usually charge the person turning left with Impeding the Intersection. But the officer told us how surprised he was to see that all the statements he had taken said the exact same thing - the Ford Explorer ran the red. Unfortunately, because of the strange circumstances, with one car turning left, he said this will likely go to court, and Suz will have to testify to what she witnessed. He told us there were a number of injuries, with the most serious being a girl with a broken collarbone. And then as swifly as he came, officer 863 disappeared.

Jimmy's Goin' To Court! Yeeee-Haw!

To the Judge: If you don't take away Jimmy's licence, the person he kills could be you.

Jimmy Dillnuts Has a Daughter

I've discovered that it's not just Jimmy who keeps smashing into people on our streets, roads, lanes, avenues, boulevards, and highways. He has a daughter named Jill.

Jill Dillnuts is only 18. Like most 18-year-old girls, Jill loves skrunchies, vodka, Clive Owen, and talking. She was talking, and not watching the road when she rear-ended my co-worker earlier this week. Ah, the Dillnuts' trademark - sneak up from behind, and rear-end unsuspecting motorists.

When I was 18 Jimmy's grandma rear-ended me while I sat behind a school bus that was dropping off little kids. Grandma Dillsack was her name. I felt kinda bad for her, even though it was me who had the hearing damage. My ears were ringing from the sound of the accident. The last sound I remembered hearing was an explosion of shattering glass as my head was forced back into the headrest. But it was her car that took all the damage. Her grille was cracked, pieces of metal and plastic were falling from beneath her car, but nobody had a broken window. The 1981 Olds Cutlass I was driving suffered no damage to the chrome bumper. And the mystery of the broken glass was never solved.

I surveyed the damage while Grandma Dillsack explained to me that her brakes were brand new, and she didn't understand why they didn't work. I pointed to her 20-foot skidmarks and said "good thing you were wearing Depends."

But nobody was hurt, so I told her not to worry about it, and I drove home. I can only assume that Grandma Dillsack also drove home, raised her son Jimmy, and taught him the fine art of rear-ending, and getting off the hook.

Rear-Ended by Jimmy Dillnuts

It was Civic vs. Civic in this Municipal Demolition Derby on Saturday. It amazes me the amount of damage that can be done in a 50 km/h zone.

I snapped this picture on the weekend, driving past the accident scene, as Suz and I were on our way back from the grocery store. There were two other cars by the Civic, and a police cruiser on my right side. I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I've loved taking pictures of accidents. Suz thinks I'm nuts. She really didn't want me to take the picture, saying, "the police are right there! Don't! They're going to see you!" But what are the police going to do? I'm not breaking the law.

Speaking of breaking the law, I think, generally, the police are too lenient on bad drivers. I remember the first time I really realized that. I was sitting at a red light, with a police cruiser waiting at the same red light, on the opposite side of the intersection. When our light went green, we both started through the intersection. Suddenly, a car zoomed between us, running the red light. To my shock and surprise, the officer did not pursue.

But wait! There has to be a good reason he didn't go after the red-light-runner, right? Maybe he didn't see the car because it was going SO fast. Maybe he blinked, or was looking down at his radio. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he was en route to something more important.

I realize there are far more important things than stopping every bad driver, but these drivers endanger lives. Part of the problem is that people don't care about getting a ticket. What's a $115 fine to Jimmy Dillnuts when he is running late? It's pocket change compared to the $62,000 SUV hybrid he is driving. What he should be worried about is killing someone.

The more people think they can get away with breaking the rules of the road, the more they'll do it. That's when cute little old ladies in Honda Civics get rear-ended by hormonal teenagers in Honda Civics. Or, that's when cautious newly-licenced teenagers get rear-ended by slow-reacting half-blind little old ladies.