Roomba Review

I still haven't gotten over my excitement of 'winning' an iRobot Roomba last week and I'm totally pumped to review this sweet robot vacuum.

The instructions, which men are not supposed to read, indicated that the Roomba needed to charge, initially, for 16 hours. This long, slow charge is supposed to prolong and ensure the life of the battery. Unfortunately, mine didn't.

On the iRobot website, there is a forum where you can search for problems even if you're not registered. I mean, they'll allow anybody to use the forum. Even the technology-shunning Amish.

I found the procedure for resetting my Roomba (1. remove battery, 2. hold down Power button for 10 seconds, 3. reinsert battery, 4. plug in to charge) but the battery still wouldn't charge for 16 hours.

Frustrated, I phoned customer service. The sickeningly friendly rep told me, "if the green light is solid, you're good to go." So, with a fully charged battery, I sent Dennis on his first mission. And I was astonished. Astonished like a hillbilly watching his toothless cousin get abducted by aliens.

The Roomba was so unnaturally powerful that it picked up everything within a ten mile radius. It sucked up every ounce of fur and dust, then proceeded to inhale the hardwood planks and every piece of furniture we owned. Its appetite is insatiable.

I realize the small size of the Roomba creates the illusion that it can't possibly clean well. Let me assure you, it cleans better than every vacuum we've ever had. Our 12 amp Kenmore upright is great for sucking crumbs, quarters and anything about the size of a hamster out of the couch, but it doesn't really compare to Roomba.

The Roomba was able to completely inhale two cat-vomit stains in our carpet, stains the Kenmore couldn't lift. And what about a Swiffer? Roomba's 14.7x awesomer. Our cats leave trails of litter all over our hardwood, forcing us to clean every day. When we step on it, it grinds into the hardwood leaving marks. The Swiffer is no help as it drags the litter across the floor, scratching it. But with Roomba running, the floors are perfect.

Some people say the Roomba gets stuck. However, I have yet to see this happen. When it wedges itself under our kitchen cupboards, it actually raises its back end, forcing the nose down, then backs out.

Occasionally it gets wedged tighter than an 80s spandex bodysuit up a buttcrack. When this happens, it powers down, turns back on, then uses a blast of Nitrous to back out of the situation, knocking down old ladies and WWF wrestlers without prejudice.

However, it's not all cupcakes and roses. One downside is the fact that the Roomba bashes into baseboards and furniture, sometimes leaving marks. To stop this, I plan on glueing some felt to the bumper. Dead hamsters are softer, but they start to smell after a few days.

I am very particular about how things should look and how things should work. I know it shouldn't bother me, but one thing that upsets me is that Dennis no longer looks spank-my-ass-and-see-if-I-cry new any longer.

When the Roomba crawls beneath furniture, it inevitably wedges itself under something the exact same height as itself, which scratches its sexy outer green shell.

But despite the very few shortcomings, the Roomba is still better than I had expected. I'd almost go so far as to say it's phenomenal. I am an iRobot fan for life. Two Martini-thumbs up to Roomba and to iRobot customer service.