Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

We Ran Out Of Milk

Dr. Martini performed a successful enema on the Coffee Crisp wrapper.

Around midnight I was going to bed. Somehow I realized we were out of milk and I didn't want to eat stale bread for breakfast. Our Barn Supermarket is now open 24 hours so I thought I'd zip over and pick up some cold, 1% moo juice.

When I got to the store, it was as I suspected: desolate. I grabbed my milk, fresh from the bulging udder, and headed to the cash. I should have put my milk down and left when I saw the line in front of me. But I naively assumed that the one cashier on duty could ring through 2 people with a reasonable amount of speed.

I was wrong.

The old lady in front of me absolutely refused to let the cashier touch her cakes "because they're very delicate." On top of that, the cashier was so damn slow that I think he was actually a mannequin. It took the poor, brainless twit 20 minutes to ring through 5 cakes. I wish I was joking.

While my milk soured I had a chance to look around. I spotted a super deal: Coffee Crisp Café Caramel, two for 99¢. Wow! I totally grabbed two of the sweet, sweet chocolate bars, one for me and one as a nice little surprise for Suz.

I went to bed late, anticipating the moment I bit into the nice, light snack and discovered where they hid the caramel.

The next day we ate our Coffee Crisp Café Caramels, and we enjoyed them thoroughly. The caramel was so sublte, like the look a hooker doesn't give you when she wants your attention. It was totally 100% tasty and did not detract from the wickedness of the regular Coffee Crisp bar.

In fact, the Coffee Crisp Café Caramel was so damn tasty that we went back to buy two more, even though they contained a whopping 1.5 grams of trans fat. I usually avoid anything with trans fat in it, but in this case we agreed to make an exception. If I'm going to die, at least I'll die with a smile on my face.


Blogger mmat said...

i wish i knew of such a bar. i just finished my coffee crisp without caramel which also has 1.5 grams of trans fat which could have been caramel coated trans fat. dang.

1:09:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Why does trans fat have to be so tasty?

3:20:00 PM

Blogger Ham said...


if i wasn't solely breathing through my mouth (and able to do otherwise), i would indulge. no one likes an open-mouthed muncher.

damned seasonal changes. and karma.

4:01:00 PM

Blogger ms. creek said...

i've never heard of this kind of candy bar before...

5:57:00 PM

Blogger Rainypete said...

That's why I like my scotch. No trans fats in my scotch.

10:41:00 PM

Blogger SJ said...

The best things in life are either illegal, immoral, or fattening - P.G Wodehouse.

10:48:00 PM

Blogger patti_cake said...

Mmmmm nothing like a good candy bar. You are so good to Suz.
I bought cake squares one time for me & Stacy at a bakery we love and I ate mine AND his before I even made it out of the parking lot. Sad.

9:17:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

Patti-cake: you are hilarious. Now, if you had bought scotch for yourself and Stacy, and drank it all before you got home, that would be bad.

10:47:00 AM

Blogger Vengelyne said...

Damn you. I crave for that now cause it looks absolutely yummy... although I've no idea what the heck it is...

We don't get that here. =( I think I should migrate. Even our choices of potato chips in supermarkets are so friggin' limited! :|

1:06:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Hmm! Suz loves her Baked Lays.

3:56:00 PM

Blogger Chana said...

so much for a quick trip...that sounded exasperating..

i love coffee crisp, they are too yummy...

you are a good husband and loving to Suz. i love reading how nice you were..it's those little things that keep the love and fire burning...

1:19:00 PM


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