Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Mystery Dumper

Mmmmm, poopalicious!

Now I know where my strawberries went. A close inspection of this rancid, mealy, mouldy, maggot-infested, George Dubya-esque pile of raccoon crap reveals a quantity of tiny strawberry seeds embedded within.

Roughly once a week a pile of fresh, steamy brown crap finds itself resting under my crabapple tree in my backyard. It is always in the exact same spot.

Because of the size of the pile, I estimate that a raccoon is doing his business rather than another animal such as a squirrel, deer or my eldery neighbours. I suspect this racoon is climing up the tree, and using my backyard has his personal shitter.

Colonal Coon to base camp: 'Target acquired sir! Bombs away!'The coon is a presicion pooper, for sure. With his astounding ability to hit the same target week after week, the RCAF would have put him to good use in WWII. The coils of crap, always in the exact same spot, result in one small area of thick, lusciously green grass.

The raccoon, with bowels-a-bubblin', probably climbs the tree and scampers along one of the more horizontal branches, squats, and squirts his unwanted load.

The image on the right shows how I think it's done, with the location of the offending racoon in red, on the branch I suspect is his toilet seat, followed by red arrows indicating the direction of his anal projectile. The small red circle on the ground is roughly the area where I always find the turds.

It's quite gross to find this excrement each week, but thankfully it is rather odourless - fresh as a summer's morn! As well, the fertilization properties of the poop are actually helping my lawn look super-awesome in this area under the crabapple tree.

So thanks, mystery dumper, for all your butt-stuff, even though it looks like crap.


Blogger Princess Lo said...

so are you now the official poop inspector? hee hee

so on the subject of flowers the other day, my honey had sent me a dozen mulitcolored roses in april, what is that supposed to mean?

3:57:00 PM

Blogger redheaded said...

sooo, the coon only poops once a week? what's up with that???

add washing machine to the appliance failures at this moment of time.

6:14:00 PM

Blogger Ham said...

could be worse. two words. cat piss.
we mothballed our garden and once a week we find the mothballs mysteriously moved approximately 3 inches north, out of the garden and onto the grass, lined up in a straight line. and more cat piss. i'll make a drawing.

9:48:00 PM

Blogger Ham said...

ps: no offense to your kitties.
this is stray mischief. or friends-assisting-stray mischief. how else can it be explained. there's some neighbourhood jealous over my mother's garden.

9:52:00 PM

Blogger SJ said...

RCAF= Racoon Crap Air Force?

2:11:00 AM

Blogger Rainypete said...

I's say you need to rig a wee catapult (or crapapult as it were) in that spot so the second ti is hit with the rapidly descending turds they are rapidly flung upwards back at the raccoon (or elderly neighbor).

12:15:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Pete, that's a sweet plan for sure.

12:54:00 PM

Blogger Rowan said...

ooohhhh yuck!
I wouldn't even know what raccoon shit looked like!

I have a question for ham: Do mothballs have an effect on a tom's ability to spray the house? or they hate the smell? we have a problem with 'em. Namely, the old owners of our house, planted catnip behind our garage...i keep pulling, but it keeps growing...it's, as my daughter endearingly calls it, a jungle back there!

also, I have some jealous neighbours of my garden....they come and mysteriously dig up only the expensive, non invasive plants and leave everything else nicely as it were....I hate it...they also hate that I water my garden a couple times a week....i sympathize.

1:05:00 PM

Blogger Ham said...

Rowan: according to my mother, this does the trick. However, after further research I have learned that mothballs do work but are more efficient if broken down in a water solution. I believe your best bet (so the Tom's don't bat the balls out of their way when trying to get to the nip) is to let four or five balls break down in a water solution in a spray bottle and then spray the problem area proficiently. Maybe throw a few extra balls in the garden. And then set up a laser alarm system to alert you when you neighbours are stealing your plants. Perhaps it can be hooked up to a "crapapault." At least projectile poo will go to a good vigilante cause.

Also, since mothballs smell funny - also try dumping black pepper on that area of the garden (or black and cayenne). This often does the trick.

3:09:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Thieving neighbours? Ooooh, that's rotten. Speaking of rotten, got any eggs laying around?

I would suggest a stakeout. Plant something tempting, as if you are replacing what's already been stolen. Then, hide in the dark for as long as it takes. Maybe myself and Pete could be hired as sentries.

3:55:00 PM


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