Tis Not The Season
The office Christmas tree went up last week, indicating the change in season. And it's wrong.
I really get upset when I see Christmas decorations going up before Thanksgiving and Halloween have even passed. In fact, this offensive action upsets me so much that I actually dislike Christmas now. Their efforts to get me into the holiday spending spirit have backfired, and the malls will not be seeing me at all this year.
Corporations who put up Christmas decorations in October show disrespect towards Thanksgiving, and as we all know from our black friends, dissing is bad. I think there should be a rule put in place to stop this very stupid behaviour. At the very least, Christmas decorations should have to wait until November 1st, and at the very most, there should be a fine - a monetary penalty - for those who disregard this new rule.
I will dress in an appropriate uniform and begin issuing tickets to businesses displaying Christmas gear prematurely. The ticket will include their address, the day I witnessed the offending display, a time limit of 24 hours to remove said display until November 1st, and a fine of $50 per individual Christmas item, to a maximum of $100,000, to be paid in full before November 1st, to my address. Individuals will have a maximum fine of $5,000.
I don't think that's going overboard.
October is a time to celebrate the harvest with Indian corn, gourds and other items associated with autumn, not plastic Santas and fake snowmen. When you were a child doing your trick-or-treat rounds on Halloween night, did you ever see houses decorated with snowflakes? And if you did, were they scary?
This time of year we should not be forced to gaze at twinkling lights, white snow and shining stars. We should be seeing spooky red lights, hazy white fog, and a shining moon peeking through the bare, crooked tree branches. Instead of nativity scenes, we should see skeletons, werewolves and the undead roaming our neighbourhoods. And instead of jolly old Santa, we should be trembling before the Grim Reaper!
Halloween is a time for fun, and for scaring. It's one day a year that can barely hold off the overpowering forces of Jesus. Halloween needs our help.
This Devil's Night, if you feel like having some fun, target the houses decorated with icicle lights and reindeer on the roof. You will be rewarded with candy the following night. Not just any candy, but creepy, fun Halloween candy! This is my promise to you.