Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Godmobile

When we were kids, my sister and I played a game called Booger-in-the-Middle in this car.

Resisting the expensive (and unnecessary) urge to replace my Eagle Talon with a new car, I started reminiscing about the vehicular conveyances I grew up with. Enter the Godmobile.

The Godmobile was a 1981 Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais with glass T-roof which my dad purcahsed in 1982. So loved by my friends, it was affectionately given the name 'Godmobile' - because it was "the best car ever."

In high school, in the 1990s, I alternated driving the Cutlass and my grandma's sickeningly powerful 1978 Olds Holiday 88. The Cutlass and I were generous. We gave friends rides home and just cruised around for the fun of it.

The 4.4L V8 was quiet and fuel efficient, achieving 19 mpg city and 31 mpg highway according to the owner's manual. I loved the round gauge package, the leather wrapped 3-spoke steering wheel, and the make-your-ears-bleed stereo. Power everything didn't hurt either. It was a great car, at a great time in my life.

But the Cutlass wasn't perfect. I can't tell you how many times I burned the living daylights out of my skin on the seatbelt buckles. The glass roof turned that Cutlass into a certified, face-melting sauna - and touching anything metal was as dumb as sticking your finger in the lighter. Yes, we've all done that, haven't we.

The only silver lining to 3rd degree seatbelt burns? The trauma of the memory fades, but the scars remain. And girls love scars.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

1991 Renault Alpine GTA

1991 Renault Alpine GTA

I don't like to drive ordinary cars. It's hella cliche, but life IS too short to drive boring cars. So you won't see me in a Civic any time soon.

After my Talon got kablooied at a red light, I searched for a replacement. Diamond-encrusted-24K-gold-bar-shitting-unicorns are easier to find than unmolested AWD Talons - so I searched for alternatives.

One of the more exciting cars I found was this 1991 Renault Alpine GTA.

What's so great about this Alpine? Being rear-engined ups the cool factor immediately, but there's something better. It is powered by a PRV V-6. Yes, another car I could call cousin to my DeLorean. But wait there's more!

This is no ordinary PRV V-6. This sucker's TURBO-CHARGED! It's the Talon and the DeLorean all smooshed into one! Imagine the raspy rattle of the unusual 90 degree odd-fire V-6 combined with that sweet, high-pitched turbo surge! AMAZE to the aural delight!

What I don't like is the bar-fight interior. Ok, it's not that bad, but it's not great. Even in showroom condition it just doesn't have the 90s style of the Talon. And while I like that it's rear wheel drive, in my heart of hearts I know I can't live without my all-wheel-drive. Summer would be love, but every winter I'd feel like the summer fling has ended. Like a part of me was missing.

As with the Citroen XM, I couldn't afford the asking price. $17,900 is high, at least for me. But someone is going to get one heck of a cool 200-hp car.

Auto Trader screenshot.

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Thursday, March 06, 2014

1994 Citroen XM

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What are your top five cars? I mean, if you had to make a list of realistic, affordable everyday drivers, what would be on your list? When Insurance notified me that my 23-year old Talon would be written off, I had to start looking.

Immediately I began looking for unmolested, turbo-charged, all-wheel-drive Talons. I am specifically attracted to the 1st gen cars with pop-up headlights. Manual trans, leather, ABS brakes and a/c were mandatory. As you can imagine, results were incredibly dismal.

I expanded my searches, primarily looking at 1990s cars, and started finding some very cool stuff. Stuff like this 1994 Citroen XM wagon. What I like about the XM is the entire unusual package. The extreme styling, that kick in the beltline, and the fully adjustable (and functioning) hydropneumatic suspension.

Even if it were an automatic, it would still be a standout daily driver. But hang on to your hats! This is a 5-speed manual hooked up to a turbo diesel! The owner doesn't state whether it's the 2.1 or the 2.5, but since both are equally slow, it wouldn't really matter.

Doing some research led me to an even more intriguing discovery. The XM was available with a 200 hp, 3.0 litre PRV V-6! While parts would not be interchangeable with the 2.8L PRV in back of my DeLorean, it would still be exciting having twins. And Josh at DeLorean Performance Industries could hook me up with any engine part I'd ever need.

The seller says it's a very rare example in North America. Indeed! That's got to be part of the reason for his $15,000 asking price. Too steep for me, however, if these XMs had been AWD I would've certainly checked it out in person. And if I fell in love? Well, I'd cross that bridge if I came to it.

Auto Trader Screenshot.

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Monday, June 04, 2012

Canada's Royal Visit: DMC Midwest

DeLorean Motor Company Midwest took over Toronto Brake for a day.

Our DeLorean club in Ontario consists of over 60 members, 20 of whom are highly involved. Ten years ago it was not this way. But things have changed, and finally the United States has noticed. On June 2, 2012 the crew from DeLorean Motor Company Midwest paid us a visit. June 2, 2012 was a very special day.

Dave & Julee and their entourage drove ten hours from Illinois to Toronto, then spent an entire day diagnosing and repairing problems with our cars. Helping them get through the workload was the staff of Toronto Brake, who graciously hosted garage duties.

Upon arriving, one of our members, trapped inside his car, required an emergency rescue. DMC Midwest's visit could not have been better timed. Some of the other work was bit more mundane, however. While some cars had their CO mixtures adjusted, others had new window motors installed, a/c units diagnosed and hydraulic clutch lines replaced.

I myself had my door alignment checked, a windshield wiper electrical repair and a stuck open window temporarily fixed (until I can pick up a new motor at DCS 2012 next week).

Later in the day the most exciting repair took place: a torsion bar adjustment! This unique process done with proprietary "home-made" tools drew a crowd of onlookers. In less time than it took to replace a pair of inner door seals, Jason and Mike had the drooping doors functioning perfectly.

This was the largest DeLorean event in Canadian history, with approximately 20 cars showing up, including Ken's Time Machine and a DMC-12 from Quebec. At the end of the day we went for dinner locally, inadvertently holding an impromptu car show in the parking lot. For the next couple of hours we relaxed, told stories, ate, drank, and basically shared each others good company. A perfect day.

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Friday, March 12, 2010

2010 Canadian International Auto Show

Ford Reflex concept with golf cart motor. Because, well, concepts aren't real, people.People have been celebrating the automobile since its creation over a century ago, and auto shows have been drawing gawkers like me since 1907. The automobile was essentially a replacement for walking. Until the late 1800s, people had been using their feet to get around, like a bunch of shmucks. Finally, in protest, some of them threw up their tired dogs, banded together and said, "It's time for a car!"

Most people think the car followed the horse & buggy, but few people realize that the horse was invented at the same time as the car. Old paintings of men riding horseback were merely horse-company propaganda, attempting to promote their less-than-efficient animal.

But it was a predominantly patriarchal society, specifically man's love of technology, that saw the car outsell the horse almost immediately. Some horse companies attempted to attract small children to their products by creating smaller versions, such as ponies. But children simply did not have the means to afford their own transportation and pony production slowed. Horses are now relegated to antique horse shows and one can find ponies and the ubiquitous "pony rides" at various fund-raising events and birthday parties.

I spent the final day of the Canadian International Auto Show wandering from manufacturer to manufacturer with my dad, and Subaru Canada's manager of Product Planning, who both preferred cars to horses.

Battery powered Tesla's are blazingly fast, but not in the recharging department.Among some of my favourite displays were the Targa Newfoundland Nissan GT-R in bright pumpkin-orange, one lonely Tesla roadster plugged in and running, and the Cruise Nationals display, where a friend, Bob Train, had his 3rd place '51 Mercury on display.

Bob had his Mercury Monarch custom built from the ground up, bespoke in every respect. Power comes from a GM crate engine developing 502 hp. Inside, the Merc is outfitted in Cadillac STS upholstery, and includes a DVD/GPS system with multiple video screens. Bob originally considered a custom Clydesdale, but fitting the video screens to the back of the horse's head proved too difficult.

Another big draw at the auto show was the Mercedes-Benz display, and specifically, the new SLS. This one really drew the crowds, making photo-ops difficult and proving Gull-wings never seem to go out of style. I was a little disappointed in Mercedes' choice of displaying the car in red, but the car's proportions were a 10. See the SLS AMG here.

We stayed much longer than we anticipated despite the show's smaller size this year. As we exited, we passed through the Shelby display where a few million dollars worth of classic race cars were displayed.

Towards the end, we encountered one of the most spectacular cars of the show; the Ford Shelby GR-1 concept car, with an astonishing all-aluminum body. The overhead lighting glinted off the finger-printed body reminding me of my DeLorean in full sunlight. I was in awe. No offense to those in the paint business, but gorgeous pure metal is #1 in my books. It's cars like this that really put the hurt on the horse business.

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Friday, July 18, 2008

Air Is Neat

Plastic. It does an air intake system good.

The DeLorean is cool - and in more ways than one. Forget the stainless steel body, which makes the car better-suited for flux dispersal. Forget the alternate-1985-Biff-head-cracking gullwing doors. The DeLorean, essentially, has a cold air intake.

Cold air intakes are designed to pull cool, outside air into a vehicle's engine instead of using the hot air surrounding the engine. Why is that good? Science! Cool air is more dense, and therefore contains more oxygen, which results in more power when ignited.

The DeLorean pulls its air from the passenger side quarter panel at the rear of the car. The cool outside air then passes through an intake hose, through the filter, and into the engine where it mixes with fuel and explodes.

Explosions - it's no wonder guys like cars.

Ignore Red Green when it comes to cars. Duct tape doesn't work.But I've been having trouble making explosions in my DeLorean this year. For six weeks I was unable to start the D, and I couldn't figure out why. Turns out it was this piece of crap's fault. The intake hose, which had been taken off and put back on more times than Oprah's chub, was split and dented so badly, air couldn't pass through it.

I logically worked through the process discovering that a) I was getting spark and b) I was getting fuel. So what was left? C! I mean, air. With a new air intake hose in place, life-giving oxygen rushed into the combustion chambers and exploded harmoniously. The D started instantly.

All of this leads me to conclude that I like air. Two Martini-thumbs up for air, and two Martini-thumbs down to pieces of crap.

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Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Donation

When his house falls apart, maybe the One Red Paperclip guy can donate it, here.

There are two Donation bins near my house. I believe both of them are for clothing. There are signs include the words "no dumping" and "no garbage" and that sort of thing. But sometimes there are piles of garbage in front of them. Sometimes piles of broken toys.

But not too long ago, somebody left a different donation. A Dodge Colt.

I don't know who would think they could donate a smashed up Dodge Colt with no engine. It had been rear ended and was heavily damaged. The muffler was ruined. The brake lights were broken. The trunk would not close. The bumper had fallen off. There were a large number of dents. The paint had scratches on it. There were probably cigarette burns in the upholstery. Nobody could use it. Why was it being donated?

Someone went to all the trouble of pulling the engine out, then attaching the car to a tow truck and driving it all the way over to the donation bins. That's a lot of work for a whole lotta nothin'.

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

SmartCar: Officially Dumb?

They say good things come in small packages. They're wrong.

I feel really great today. Why? Consumer Reports, the Bentley of car testing publications, agrees with me. The SmartCar stinks.

Consumer Reports' chief tester David Champion says he does not think highly of the SmartCar ForTwo, and was quoted as saying, "We don't think they're particularly good, but we've got a lot of people interested in it."

I don't know what his reasons are, but I suspect many of them are the same as my own. Hey, I used to be interested in it too! Until I devoured all the info on the SmartCar website. Then, things changed, anda few months ago I wrote about why I dislike the SmartCar, using facts taken directly from the SmartCar website.

What's strange is that Smart owners seem to be offended by those facts, and threatened by anyone who writes about those facts.

The biggest reason I don't like the SmartCar is because it is fooling everyone into thinking it's some environmentally-friendly, earth-saving, non-polluting vehicle. Most people I've spoken with didn't believe me when I told them it was a diesel. Almost everyone was disappointed to learn it wasn't electric.

I'll tell you right now - Make it electric and I'll do a complete 180 on my opinion of it. It is a great car, but not for Canada, where fuel is cheap, cities are far apart, and the only thing wider than our roads are the trucks that drive on them. Its tiny size may get you a dozen more mpg over a VW Golf TDi, but if it takes 2 trips to get all your groceries home, it defeats the purpose.

In Canada, the SmartCar just isn't a great idea. *Edit* Originally I wrote about the fact that there's no spare tire. Now, something has been brought to my attention in the comments below. The Smart comes equipped with a can of puncture sealant and inflation foam. This information was not provided on the Smart Car website at the time this post was written. I agree the foam can help in some emergency situations, but it can't seal a blow-out. And when you're travelling on a Toronto highway and hit debris, you don't get a puncture. You get a blow-out that only a spare can help with (assuming it's got air). Which is fine if you only plan to use the Smart on city streets - An ideal place for the car.

Additionally, it's unsafe. I know what you are saying, nay, yelling at me right now: It did okay in crash-tests you dolt! Watch the video! So the doors still open. Now, let me give you a harsh dose of reality, and the reason I think it's unsafe. If someone was driving that car, that poor sap would have just lost both legs. Crash tests do not simulate real life. I will eat my words if I ever see someone walk away from their SmartCar after being sideswiped by a Lincoln Navigator changing lanes at 140 kph, causing the SmartCar to bounce off the guardrail like a 72-pound wrestler, directly into the path of Triple H in the form of transport truck barrelling down the highway at a completely normal 120 kph.

Finally, it's just a diesel engine. Invented by Rudolph Diesel in 1892, diesel engines have been used widely in cars since first being used in the 1936 Mercedes Benz 260D. Plain, boring, dirty, smelly, carcinogenic diesel. There's no technological advancement here. Not like VW.

David Champion agrees with me that the SmartCar isn't very good. But without test-driving the Smart Car, I don't know what flaws or quality issues the car has which makes Consumer Reports think poorly of it. This was a car I could have fallen in love with; it's a shame it's an ordinary diesel.

C'mon Mercedes, make it live up to its name. Make it electric! Now that's a smart idea. And I'd be happy to drive one.

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