Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Run For Your Life! It's Victoria Day!

Canadian fireworks with impossibly absurd warning labels.

The first time I was nearly killed, a Buzz Bee tore through the air straight at my face and forced me to dive into the soft Florida sand. The Buzz Bee followed suit, exploding right beside me. It was unexpected.

Buzz Bees had a plastic pair of "wings" clipped to them which enabled them to fly around. But I never foresaw it flying out over the Gulf of Mexico, turning 180 degrees and zooming straight back at my face.

You'd think I would have learned from that experience, but you'd be wrong. Every Victoria Day I haphazardly light off fireworks with friends, clad in minimal protection (read: t-shirt and jeans).

For the first time possibly ever, I read the warnings on the fireworks I purchased for Victoria Day 2013. And boy was I shocked. The warnings are absurd. In fact they're literally impossible to adhere to. So what are these warnings? I'll start with the 50-Shot Strobing Missile cake.

The strobing missiles state "Light fuse and stand clear 60 meters." That's right, 60 meters. That's just shy of 200 feet. The fuse is 5 seconds, give or take. Usain Bolt, are you reading my blog? Well, Mr. Bolt, how long does it take you to cover 200 feet? Please leave me a comment!

Hot Tamale fireworks are spiffy AND neato.Next up is one of my fav's. It's small, but cool: The Hot Tamale. The Hot Tamale instructions tell spectators to stand clear 70 meters! That's 230 feet! In five seconds I can barely run the length of my driveway, let alone the ENTIRE width of my block!

And now for the best. The Cherry Bomb. A single shot, one big bang. Are you ready for this?

You must stand clear a whopping ONE HUNDRED METERS from the Cherry Bomb. Can you even begin to fathom that? Here, let me help you. Usain Bolt, the fastest man in the world, lights the fuse and starts sprinting. After five seconds the Cherry Bomb launches into the air. Usain has covered 50 meters - just. Twenty-six seconds later, nearly the entire length of a bad Pizza Pops commercial, Usain Bolt hits the safe point. The Cherry Bomb exploded 5 years ago, a new President was sworn in, and everyone's 11 year old daughter now has her driver's license.

It's Victoria Day! Run for your lives!

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Blogger awildermode said...

200 feet in 5 seconds? Even a clearing slap shot at 60-80 mph takes about 2 seconds from goal line to opposing boards (about 200 feet).

Solutiotion. Get a big frozen lake. Light fuse, slap it down, skate the other way. You could be safe. Except, frozen lakes are hard to come by at this time of year.

12:04:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Wow, 80 mph? That's nuts! That gives me another idea... throw them from a moving car! I call it Freeway Fireworks.

12:41:00 PM

Anonymous Dan said...

I still remember the days when we deliberately ignored the safety warnings on firecrackers and the like...does anyone else remember using a Roman Candle as a 'Wand of Magic Missile' and then having duels with them?

1:17:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Hahaha, wow Dan. That's crazy. I recall a neighbour running full speed down my street with roman candles. Flaming balls were shooting everywhere. One bounced off the side of our neighbour's convertible. The top was down; Could've been a disaster.

3:13:00 PM


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