Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Friday, August 10, 2012

I Just Want It To Work!

Is there a museum of awesome sprinklers? If so, this belongs in the top 3. I'm having an identity crisis. I live in the future. I use futuristic technology. And I occasionally enjoy that technology.

But today's tech is total crap. Yet because of my age I'm forced to embrace this glitchy crap technology that requires 78 calls to tech support and 99% of the time they don't even know how to fix it.

How many times have you heard, or said, "the system's down." The system! THE SYSTEM! Why do we all rely on the system? What IS the system? I have a poo-making system. I put food inside me and my system turns it into modern technology. I mean shit. Sorry. "The system" is an all-encompassing term that basically means nothing because you yourself have no idea what it is. And your system is different than my system and OH DEAR GOD IT'S DOWN!

Old stuff doesn't go down and ruin your day. I'm not buying a new forty-five dollar plastic sprinkler with a fifty dollar digital timer. Gimme a break. First, I don't want to call tech support for a freakin' sprinkler. Second, I'll turn the water off when I BLOODY WELL FEEL LIKE IT.

I chose the simpler, more reliable path. I chose technology from 1960. I chose a New Old Stock Everain Turret sprinkler. With ONE moving part. It goes perfectly with my Weber charcoal grill. It goes fittingly with my TWO-STROKE Lawn-Boy mower. Clean air and life on earth be damned! I WILL have reliable technology!

And so I will set aside the mind-bogglingly awesome box it came in. And I will carefully remove the tag that declares there to be only 4 different lawn shapes. And I will water my lawn.

I will endure the taunts from other 30 year olds who think I'm some grandpa who doesn't know what a twitter is, or why people want to talk on the skype. And to prove I'm still hip and cool I'll go to Starbucks and order one of those free wifi's all the coffee shops are giving away.



Blogger Michael Manning said...

Martini: You make a good point! I recently saw an interview with actress Jodie Foster. She stated that she doesn't use Facebook and has no time for it because it wasn't part of her generation.

6:43:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

I too am trying to use Facebook less. I don't like the overwhelming feeling that I HAVE to constantly post something there to feel connected. People seem to have this "I'm missing out!" feeling when they're not online. I actually enjoy that feeling of being disconnected.

7:13:00 PM

OpenID ryoko861 said...

Oh, I hear ya! Everything is made to break as far as I see it. And if it's made in China, it's guaranteed to. I believe the more sophisticated something is the more likely it's prone to malfunction. Less is more. It may have taken a bit longer to do something back in the 60'a and 70's but the job got done without calling India.

8:16:00 AM

Blogger Martini said...

So true. I'd rather spend a few extra minutes than gamble with cheap electronic stuff.

7:58:00 AM

Anonymous Josh Feldman said...

I hear you. I frequently battle with the motion sensors that turn on the water in the bathroom at work - and the one that gives you paper towels. What's so bad about pushing a lever? The robot overlords are often displeased with my motion and deny me. In England this last summer I was plagued by the console sinks at the public parks which dispense soap, then water, then drying air in precise timed intervals. I always missed each phase comically. Just give me some knobs and let me do it!

5:56:00 PM

Blogger Martini said...

Exactly. The auto sinks and auto soap dispensers are occasionally too close together. Have you ever tried to rinse your hands but the auto-soap fills your hands instead? Frustrating!

12:34:00 PM


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