Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Backfiring Perfected: The Fake Wasp Nest

The queen wasp in her hive is far scarier than the hot borg queen.

Wasps suck. They're like that drunk uncle, the one whose arrival is always preceded with, "oh shit, it's Uncle Mike." You know the guy. He's the one who shows up at every family bbq, and every birthday party, always slapping your sister on the ass and telling her she looks "niiiiiiice". Before he arrives, there's a palpable fear. And when he does finally show up, people try to run away. But there's no escape.

You can smack a wasp away, but they keep coming back. You can tell your uncle Mike to "take off" like the hoser he is, but he's too drunk to comprehend what you're saying. Kill a wasp, two more take it's place. Kill uncle Mike, two cops show up and spoil the fun.

The best thing to do is prevent wasps from building a nest in your yard. We purchased a giant fake wasp nest to scare wasps away. It works on the principle that wasps are territorial and will not build a hive within 200 feet of another.

In the 4 years we've been in our house, we've never had a nest. And I didn't want one. So I put up the giant fake hive. What happened? The queen wasp actually built her nest, an exact papery replica, about 10 feet away from it. As if it were comforting to her.

The bitch.

Fact: giant fake hives do not work. To the point, our fake beehive actually backfired completely and attracted wasps into the area. It was a joke, and I was the butt of it. But I didn't care - as long as my sweet, tender butt didn't get stung.

I watched the queen nursing her vile eggs for a day or two, and feared we'd soon have a massive infestation of unwanted uncle Mike's. With steady hands I aimed the hose and blasted the queen with a stream that would make a firefighter proud.

And nothing happened.

Neighbourhood children laughed and pointed as I hobbled my puny stick-ass into the house, fearing retaliation. Suz, attempting to prove her fearlessness, ventured out with a different weapon: The shears.

I cowered behind the door, like a piddling little momma's boy. Peeking out at Suz, I directed her towards the throbbing hive. With a mighty snip, the innards of the hive fell to the ground, larvae feebly wriggling around. And that was the end of the hive.

In the past two weeks, the loathsome queen has not returned. However, if there is one thing I want to return, it's the giant fake bee hive I bought at Canadian Tire. Either that, or hang it above Uncle Mike's toilet.

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12 Comments:

Blogger Michael Manning said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

1:02:00 AM

 
Blogger Michael Manning said...

Wow! Suz has guts. While rebuilding my Mom's house after my Dad died, I had this same problem. I went to Home Depot and was advised (by their sales advisers no less) to purchase a can of deadly hornet spray. It shot a stream from 10 feet away and I unloaded the whole can on a hive under the gutter of the house. Afterwards, I felt like Clint Eastwood in "Dirty Harry"! :D)

1:03:00 AM

 
Blogger Martini said...

Spray is definitely effective! Poison was my last resort, as our cats eat the grass all summer long (the hack it up on our carpet). I didn't want them dropping dead too!

3:52:00 PM

 
Blogger Techie Guy said...

I went with the spray myself. I usually get a wasp attempting to build a nest in my backyard. With the boys about, I decided that I didn't want any pesky wasps stinging them, so I sprayed them. Nothing like a dead wasp on the ground covered in white, goopy foam.

8:06:00 PM

 
Blogger SJ said...

Well I did post about wasps a few posts back didn't I !!!

6:47:00 AM

 
Blogger Martini said...

you are my inspiration SJ!

10:08:00 AM

 
Blogger Ms. Creek said...

YOUR WIFE IS OBVIOUSLY THE QUEEN!

We have cutter wasps here...they snip of the edges of all the plants, and take them so an unknown underground spot for their nest...makes me grouchy as hell when my rose petals look like someone took the pinking shears to them! Maybe Suz needs to come to MY yard for a while!

1:26:00 PM

 
Blogger The T-Dude said...

I had a battle we wasps this year. But in the end, my use of high powered water and opposable thumbs won the day.

8:12:00 AM

 
Blogger Akhor said...

At least they are out of your backyard now!

10:24:00 AM

 
Blogger honkeie2 said...

We had a huge one in my yard when I was a kid but we had this special magical powder.....gun powder! All American Chinese made M80's, some started fluid and a match was all our redneck hands needed to get ride of it. And someone brave enough to light it!

1:25:00 PM

 
Blogger Sir Blogsalot said...

groan about all of this

6:58:00 PM

 
Blogger Sir Blogsalot said...

hey techie guy - what do you think the white goopy foam did to your boys you were trying to protect? - google the ingredients. Also, most wasp foam is toxic to cats and other animals. What insane fearful attitudes on this thread.

10:17:00 PM

 

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