Whisky - the Movie

"One of the best films of the year... Brilliant!"

- City Pages (Minneapolis)

2004 wasn't a particularly fantastic year for film, but it wasn't bad. LOTR: The Return of the King won Best Picture and Lost in Translation, chock full of exciting whisky visuals, was nominated for a handful of Academy Awards. Good stuff.

On the other hand, from Uruguay, came the film "Whisky." Admittedly, Sue and I chose it for its cover. Besides the alluring title, it was thoroughly showered with prizes. And yet, it was a poor choice.

The first half of the movie was interesting, despite the minimal and painful dialogue. The director makes mundane seem captivating as regular people encounter everyday problems not typically explored in film. At times the repetitiveness of these problems provided mild amusement while other times I found myself yelling, "We get it! Move on!"

"Profound, deadpan comedy" - The New York Times. Deadpan? Maybe. The actors conversations were so flat I believed they were amateurs pulled directly off the street. But that's okay, because I knew I'd be excited when they got into the whisky.

"Exhilarating!" - Miami Herald. Aside from the fact I found the intricacies of the machinery (a sock factory) exciting, I would say the correct word to describe this movie is boring. But that's okay, because I was excited, readying my mind to see how many whiskies I could recognize.

"Masterfully understated comic performances." - BBC (UK). There were a few somewhat funny moments where I smiled, but nothing sly, witty or masterful. The performances were so utterly devoid of emotion it could have been acted by cardboard boxes. But that's okay, because I couldn't wait to see what kinds of whisky they were going to drink!

Approximately three quarters of the way through the film, I came to the realization I'd been duped. There was no climax to the (in)activities of the protagonists and there was no whisky. None whatsoever.

The misleading title wasn't the only source of my frustration. The key element of the plot (when his brother comes to visit, Jacobo asks one of his employees to pretend to be his wife) was never explained and stories that started to develop from it were never explored. It was almost an interesting film, but every aspect of it was far, far too restrained.

How it won the grand prize at the Tokyo International Film Festival, or first prize at the Havana Film Festival are so beyond my comprehension that I've come up with one logical answer: no other films competed against it.

If Whisky has taught me anything it's proof that your grade school teachers were right - never judge anything by its cover, even if the cover is full of accolades.

Why Crispin Glover Was Fired

Crispin Glover isn't normal. Some say he's a recluse. I can understand why that rumor started. He hasn't exactly been in too many summer blockbusters lately and his autograph is a tough one to get.

I met Crispin Hellion Glover this week, in Toronto. I had a preconceived notion he'd be wild and loud. Zany even. And his performance (of his books) was exactly that. We then watched his film, What Is It? and attended a Q&A session. During that lengthy period he only answered a handful of questions, but his passion for and knowledge of the film industry were obvious.

Important to him more than money was ethics, both business and personal. He recounted his firing from Back To The Future.

For years, at DCS shows, Bob Gale told our group Crispin's demand for the same salary as Michael J. Fox was the primary reason (among many) for his firing. Crispin tells it differently.

According to Crispin, he was fired for questioning a number of things in Back to the Future Part II, including scenes of the alternate 1985 where the families were rich, and had black house slaves. He said the message portrayed was that money would buy happiness, something inappropriate to convey to kids.

The movie was undeniably edited, but Crispin was gone. He admited he was young and idealistic at the time. When he confronted Bob Zemeckis about making the script changes, he recalled Zemeckis saying: "Crispin, I know you like to make weird movies. I've made weird movies too. There's one called Used Cars. And you know what happened after I made that movie? I didn't work for FOUR YEARS! I want to be rich!"

Take what you will from that.

He and Zemeckis have since reconciled, and he continues to work in the film industry. But his zeal lies with his own work. What is it? is full of things that are wrong. Things the viewer should be questioning. Actors with down-syndrome kill snails (it's real) and attack each other in a cemetery. They bury a muse alive. Puppets present (actual) racist albums and Charles Manson's (actual) music plays as naked women in monkey masks do sexual things to Steven C. Stewart who (truly) has cerebral palsy.

And then there is Nazi Shirley Temple.

You've never seen anything like it. If he comes to your city, watch the movie in awe at how his mind works. Crispin Glover isn't normal.

Star Trek Cereal - Boldly Going Into My Stomach

Look! Up on the shelf - it's a cereal! It's an advertisement! It's.... Star Trek Limited Edition cereal, from Kellogg's!

As you may or may not know, I'm a cereal fiend, especially when it comes to American cereals. If there's anything I love more than the cereal, it's movie/cereal team-ups.

Way up here in igloo-infested Canada, cereal selection is dismal at best and downright miserable at worst; often the choice between no-name oatmeal, Corn Flakes, or some sort of puffed, half-germinated seed pods with "no added sugar!"

But in the USA there are choices. In the USA there are special cereals. Limited Edition cereals. Cereals like Star Trek, with delicious planet Earth, planet Vulcan, and Delta shield marshmallows that crush gloriously between your teeth.

While vacationing in Ohio, (I know, that doesn't make sense, but it's true) I specifically stopped at a grocery store to see what kinds of awesome breakfast treats I could bring home. I snagged a box of Star Trek cereal for $1.99. In fact, I was so excited, and the box artwork was so excellent, I went back the next day and bought a second box.

The box declares the cereal as a "sweetened oat cereal with marshmallows". But when I dove into the oaty galaxy swirls, I found them to be a less sweet version of plain, ordinary Cheerios. DE-sweetened is a more appropriate description. They certainly weren't bad, but I wouldn't go so far as to say they were sweet.

The marshmallows, however, were fantabulous, as they are apt to be. Like an erect Captain standing strong in the face of space danger, the 'mallows were stiff and crunchy.

Although I found nothing new in this cereal, I still loved it. It was a no-nonsense kind of food. It didn't try to introduce anything special or new. All it did was advertise a great movie, and give your sorry ass self a half-exciting reason to get up in the morning. If only for the marshmallows.

In the end Limited Edition Star Trek cereal has unboldly gone where many cereals have gone before. Into my colon.

Blockbuster: Worst Rental Outlet. Evar.

Blockbuster Video, the largest video rental company in the world, has been entirely ruining the video rental experience since 1985.

How? You're asking yourself that very question right now. I know. That's because I'm smarter than all the Rainmen managing all the Blockbuster's in the world, combined. If you work at Blockbuster, my condolences. I know it isn't your fault. I know you feel the same way I do... because I've talked to you.

Now, before you Blockbuster managers leave me thousands of hate-comments, I would like you to give me a fair and logical explanation for the following shit Blockbuster has pulled for years.

Why can I rent the crappy sequel to any movie ever made, but not the fabulous original? Seriously. Tell me why I can rent Gremlins 2: The New Batch, but I'm not allowed to rent Gremlins, after midnight, or ever. Tell me why I can take home Batman Returns, but if I want to see Jack Nicholson play the Joker in 1989's biggest summer blockbuster (pardon the pun), I have to buy that movie somewhere else. Tell me why you've got The Gods Must Be Crazy II, but I'm the one who's crazy if I want to see the original. Why do you have straight to video garbage like the four-year old Hellraiser: Hellworld, but none of the first four original theatrical releases?

I'm sure there are more modern examples, I just haven't wasted my time looking through my two local Blockbuster's for them where there's more shelf space for candy than there is for genuine movies.

While that exclusive little Blockbuster feature is perpetually annoying, the most frustrating thing is their complete lack of selection. My home DVD collection is larger than either of my two local Blockbuster's. And that's not saying much considering my entire DVD collection is worth less than a new 2009 Chevy Aveo. And that IS saying much because GM is practically giving those things away.

We used to avoid Blockbuster at all costs, but every little independant rental shoppe that dares to go up against the brainless goliath is out of business within the year, forcing Suz and I to rent at the vomit-inducing blue and yellow store.

To give you an idea of just how terrible my local Blockbuster is, here's an example of what's on their shelves this week: 55 copies of Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist, which NOBODY was renting, and ONE copy of the award-winning, 5x Academy Award nominated, and 5x Golden Globe nominated, Frost/Nixon.

Which was rented.

There is one thing I like about Blockbuster, however. My favourite part of each visit is answering that ever-so-friendly question, "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

The answer is always no. But during this most recent visit I had to ask, "Do you seriously only have one copy of Frost/Nixon?" The reply? "Yeah. Sorry. It's ridiculous. But that's what head office sent us."

Do you hear that "head office"? Even your employees know how ridiculous and stupid you are. LEARN.

Twelve Thumbs Down To Cloverfield

I like J.J. Abrams. I've liked his work a lot. Based on his past accomplishments, I had no reason to think anything bad about Cloverfield. In fact, I was expecting it to be awesome.

J.J. Abrams produced and wrote the TV shows Felicity, Alias, and Lost. With that track record, one would think he knows what he's doing.

One would be wrong.

Cloverfield is filmed entirely with a Handycam, from the perspective of a young dude, exactly along the same lines as the Blair Witch Project. The main difference between the two styles is that the main character in Cloverfield seems to be suffering one enormous epileptic seizure for the duration of the movie.

I've seen my fair share of home movies, and I know they shake and cause motion sickness. But Cloverfield is unreal. It's simply impossible for most normal human beings to watch this kind of vomit-inducing camera shake, and I have the math to prove it.

Our theatre, on a Sunday afternoon, contained 47 movie-goers. At $10 a pop, the theatre was potentially earning $470. Out of the 47 viewers, six walked out of the theatre, hands covering their mouths, chunky-liquid-ketchup-flavoured popcorn spewing forth - both onto the floor and anyone sitting in an aisle seat.

These viewers were not to return.

Six is exactly 12.7% of the audience. Using that as a baseline, assume that every theatre will lose up to 12%* of its audience. Opening weekend, Cloverfield apparently blew the competition away, earning an average of $12,000 per theatre.

But subtract the 12% of viewers who blew the technicolor rainbow all over the theatre manager's shirt, and you're left with $10,560. Add to that the word of mouth spreading rapidly about Cloverfield's unwatchability and you can see where those numbers might go.

Right into the toilet, just like everybody's popcorn and hotdogs.

The Cloverfield story is excellent, and I would have loved it and likely bought the DVD, had it been filmed properly. I know exactly what they were trying to do with the whole Handycam thing, and I love the idea. But the camera shake is so unbelievably bad that the special effects are all but wasted, as you can never really see what's going on. Even the tough-stomached people who sat through it complained as they left.

Two thumbs up to Cloverfield's story, but twelve thumbs down for the idiotic execution. Cloverfield is so shakey, it makes The Blair Witch Project look like it was filmed with a tripod.

*Individual theatre results may vary!

Michael Moore's Sicko

Tonight, utilizing the free tickets I procured in a fully legal manner, I went to a sneak preview of Moore’s new movie, Sicko. The 'documentary' regarding primarily the U.S. healthcare system, is standard Michael Moore fare, but with a twist… it's a little happier.

Instead of gasping in horror and becoming enraged beyond anything the puny Bruce Banner was capable of, I found myself smiling and laughing more, along with the rest of the packed theatre.

Moore tends to show the most extremes in any particular film in order to get the biggest reaction from his audiences. I guess he wants you to storm out of the theatre clutching a freshly sharpened pitchfork in one hand and freshly combusted torch in the other, march up to (usually) the White house and demand something.

Demanding stuff is pretty great, as long as you've got the facts. Speaking of facts, I loved his gross misrepresentation of Canada's healthcare system. He implies, through a few interviews, that any Canadian hospital's Emerg will have you seen by a doctor in 20 minutes or less.

Come to my city and you will find yourself waiting for 8 to 10 hours… on a GOOD day.

In fact, Canada's system is so awesomely slow that I've found myself going to the U.S., and paying, for my healthcare. But our system is pretty awesome in the monetary area. There's no denying that. Well, there IS, but you'd be considered a lunatic, stuffed into the trunk of a Yaris, and pushed into Lake Ontario.

But seriously, Free is always good, right? And what's better than free operations to have your stomach stapled or your severed arm reattached? (After all, we are not all like Astar)

The only thing I can think of is Free movie tickets. Yay! Two Martini-thumbs up for free tickets, and 1.9 Martini-thumbs up for Sicko.