Originally intended to document my experience of DeLorean ownership, focus is often radical and strange, boring and obtuse.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Nestle Crunch Cereal - Better Than Bread

and I would've planted that oak tree and jammed a hammock onto it FFS!

Making a cereal out of some other kind of food seems like a difficult task to me. With limited ingredients, it's tough to make one thing taste like another. It could be the reason why Kellogg's hasn't cranked out a "sausage 'n eggs" cereal yet. Or maybe it's just because everyone knows that's a really, really bad idea.

While on vacation I came across a cereal I hadn't yet encountered. Nestle Crunch Cereal. I didn't have to think twice before grabbing a box. The Nestle Crunch bar is a damn fine chocolate bar and I was dying to see how close to the sun those cereal chefs could fly.

The goal here was not only to make the cereal taste like chocolate, but to give it its namesake crunch as well. For without the chocolate bar's distinct crunch, it would be a failure and you may as well just pour Nestle Quik over top of bread.

The cereal's shape is odd little conjoined balls almost in the shape of a Honeycomb cereal morsel. This did not give me much confidence in how it would feel or taste. But let me tell you. I was wrong.

The chocolate? It's there. Solid chocolate flavour indeed. And the crunch? They nailed it. It couldn't have crunched any better. But there was something else. Something unsavoury. And there it was, in plain Portugeuse, right on the box. How could I have missed it? "com cereais integrais".

Mother-effing whole grain. Hands down the utter downfall of the cereal industry.

Cereal has tasted like garbage ever since they infused whole grain bark and twigs into every mouthful. Until I tasted it again, I'd actually forgotten the reason I stopped buying cereal. And if you've read for a while, you'll know what sort of a cereal maniac I used to be. Maniac. Yeah. I ain't kidding.

I wish I could give two Martini thumbs up to Nestle Crunch cereal. If it weren't for the nine pounds of oak tree in the box, I would. But y'know, if I had wanted an oak tree, I would've bought an oak tree.

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Thursday, July 07, 2011

Ono Kiawe Hawaiian Charcoal

Ono charcoal from Hawaii. I hope it doesn't infuse my burgers with pineapple flavour."Ho ho ho! The volcano explodes, burns everything, and all we do is ship the charred wood remnants to those suckers in Canada!" is what I imagined those sly Hawaiians saying. Why?

I just bought a new bag of charcoal. Ono Kiawe Hawaiian Charcoal. They claim it is a premium, 100% natural charcoal used in the Hawaiian tradition of the Luau. This is a 20 lb. bag. I'm hoping it lasts me one month, but that will depend on how zealous I get with my grilling.

After using up most of my mega tasty Basques Sugar Maple hardwood, I was very excited to try another and see what flavour it adds to my food. I'm always very interested in learning where the wood comes from so I love reading the backs of the bags.

Curiously, the back of the Ono bag states the following:

Created in Hawaii
Product of Mexico

Sneaky Hawaxicans!Ah right. Who's the fool? Apparently me. Now, go back to the first paragraph and replace "Hawaiian" with "Mexcian" and "volcano" with "meth lab". Was that racist? I don't care. Those sneaky Hawaxicans tricked me.

Or did they?

No, it's true. This IS Hawaiian. It's kind of like saying "Assembled in China from parts made in the USA." The wood is grown and harvested in Hawaii, then shipped to Mexico where it's turned into charcoal and packaged for shipping across the border.

Just be wary of buying anything larger than what I bought. For example, if you see a 115 lb. bag... and it's moving... and talking to you - avoid it. Unless you need a great deck built. Was that racist? Damn, I keep doing that.

My rude, insulting nature aside, I am very excited to try this charcoal and I'll let you know how it goes.

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Monday, July 04, 2011

Double Down is a Hit

Most people enjoy eggs. I prefer them VERY mature.

KFC's Double Down is a hit in Canada and I must say that I'm surprised. First of all, I didn't realize Canada was getting the big fat ridiculous(ly awesome) chicken sandwich. Again.

Apparently we had the artery clogging sunuvabitch last year. And the 2011 version doesn't disappoint either. In fact it's 10% healthier with a 10% reduction in sodium! Rejoice, oh morbidly obese! Rejoice, all ye chicken & bacon lovers! Rejoice, oh haters of that confounded bread that is always getting in the way and ruining perfectly good chicken sandwiches.

This sandwich will go down in history as one of the greatest. I care not what sort of sales figures KFC reports. Today's trip to the local Kentucky Fried Chicken emporium was proof enough for me of the Double Down's success.

At 2 o'clock in the afternoon there was a line. A line. A line in my usually empty KFC. Two hours AFTER lunch.

Ahead of me stood 6 people, all ordering Double Downs. With 7 Double Downs on order, we all sat and waited while our local KFC chef poured his heart and soul into these magnificent chicken creations. Ten minutes later we made our bulging bellies (and KFC's bottom line) fatter.

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This many people accidentally stumbled upon my site
...while searching for porn.